What is it like to be Bipolar? My Story...

esotericdesignDesigner. Advocate. Writer.
Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
This is what I go through during a Bipolar Depression episode. Most don't understand and judge and treat you like a child.
This illness is horrible and I DID NOT order it so being kind to myself is very important.

I would love to hear other stories of what your Bipolar Depressive episodes are like. Please comment!

What is it like to be Bipolar? My Story...

by esotericdesign

Life will be going well then...

A person, thought, comment, or action by myself or others can switch me into Bipolar Mode in 1/2 a second....

My mind goes in 1000 different directions...

So many thoughts are racing & twisting in my head, my body is feeling a 1000 emotions, it hurts...hurts so bad...

Then I turn into the angry, defensive me...

With so much going on in my mind and body I have to try to control it so....

I put myself into a place I feel safe...

I feel safe but I do not care about anything - work, kids, bills, family, housekeeping,, important engagements...just LEAVE ME ALONE! I need to tend to my wounds..

Bed is where I stay for 1-30 days depending on the episode.

Yes I know I have to get out of bed. Yes I know I have to shower. Yes I know I have to eat. Yes I am aware I have appointments today. Yes I know I have to work. I KNOW! I DON'T CARE! LEAVE

I feel I'm carrying everyone's problems & blaming myself.

In bed I cry, worry, have a constant barrage of negative thoughts I'm trying to stop but can't. Not only is my body roller coasting emotions but my mind can't settle on a single thought.

So worried family & friends try to "Cheer Me Up"

Telling me how awesome I am, or all the commitments I'm missing, will not work. Then they get angry & think yelling ( "Snap out of it") or making me feel guilty will work. It Won't. GET OUT!

After while I will get out of bed & then I'm bombarded..

Bombarded by days or weeks of mail, emails, left messages, commitments missed, important messages missed. When my episode hit my house was in order - literally & metaphorically. Now...

After I come back to reality I get to see I have done this..

Completely destroyed ALL aspects of my life.

First I use positive self talk & begin the cleanup...

Call & apologize to friends, family, creditors, and anyone else I ignored during my episode. Most don't say "It's Ok". Most are angry or put upon. Like I've been faking the whole thing.

Everyone's mad, no one gets it, & I can't explain...

It makes no sense to people what I go through. Tired of trying to explain because everyone, who is not Bipolar, tells me to do this or that and they remind me I am an adult. NO SHIT!

I get so tired of being reminded of my episode.

Everyone can think what they want, say what they want, and judge me as much as they want. I don't have the energy. I begin by going outside. I absorb each color, texture & smell.

Once everything gets kind of straightened out...

I call my friends or family who NEVER judge my episodes. I want to get out of the house and get back to "normal". One small step at a time.

Now I feel back to myself and continue my routine.

Every episode I've ever had, I have suffered small & large consequences because of it. I will deal with them but put most of my energy into feeling better & getting stronger so I don't relapse


I'm Back!!!!! Until it hits again & I have to rinse and repeat. This is my life as a Bipolar Depressive person.

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esotericdesignDesigner. Advocate. Writer.
a year agoReply
@erofaer I'm glad I could help you understand because it's hard to figure out our behavior sometimes.

erofaerSilver CommaHow can I be impressive in one sentence?
a year agoReply
My friend is bipolar, It's nice to read this, it gives me a better understanding of what it feels like

esotericdesignDesigner. Advocate. Writer.
a year agoReply
@bernardtwindwil I am so happy my piece brought a little understanding to others. And I think you should write one about what others observe Bipolar to be. And thank you for your kind words! Stay strong and I cant wait to see what you create!

bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller, tomthepo8.com
a year agoReply
This piece brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. I have seen this from the outside looking in. I have been a "fixer" my whole life and I couldn't fix my first born man-child. It has taken years to get me anywhere near the wisdom in your well-aimed poem. I wanted him to be like me. Tough, resilient, a scrapper who would not stay down. It did not happen. The power in your words reveals the power in your soul. The graphics are intense. I am going to share this with the rest of my family. I believe you have just made my son's life more understandable. I have been motivated by you to write a story of Bipolar behavior from the outsider point of view.

esotericdesignDesigner. Advocate. Writer.
a year agoReply
@sally It is hard Sally...thank you for commenting ;-)

sallyBronze CommaSassy Sally
a year agoReply
whoa thank you sharing how you feel. it is so sad that people tell those things to you. it seems to only make it worse. you are very strong!