In a desperate attempt to mend myself I wrestle with the feelings which threaten to entangle and suffocate me, such is Doubt, my companion, forever present, forever vocal.
It is a most complicated relationship that I entertain with Doubt.
It seems to gloom over my most treasured experiences, casting them in an unfavorable light,
tainting a beautiful picture with dark implications by the simple offering of a possibility of another perspective, inviting Fear into the tableau.
The Fear that anything positive is in essence too good to be true.
So how does one move away from Doubt? And assuming we find a path that delivers us from the fog of Doubt, should we take it? Should I? Could we live in a world of Certainty? Could I?
Certainly has its own appeal, it is solid, unflinching. It promises a safe starting point for all our leaps, and solid ground for our landings.
But what of the many things that lay just beyond its borders? Confined to a world of Certainty the Possible with all its dreadful and fantastic aspects becomes unreachable.
Maybe Doubt is so hard to digest because of the pairing, maybe I have been using poison as a condiment.
I consume it with my most joyous exploits, I mistakenly take it with Hope, altering the latter’s taste and potency.
I sprinkle it on my thoughts for the future and consume it as a side to most conversations when, in reality, I should use it to weaken the thoughts that drain me.
A few drops in “You aren’t good enough”, just a sprinkle in “There is something wrong with you” and a healthy dose in “You don’t deserve love”.
I’m going to poison the poison.