It was something about you that caught my attention the first time I laid my eyes on you.
It wasn’t the first time I met someone with such a striking personality, yet it was the first time I realised there was something more to the air you had.
At first, it was easy to pull back, keeping my interest in you at bay and keeping myself safe from the possible toxicity of your being.
Yet, as time passed by, I found myself growing more curious and had a difficult time ignoring that feeling.
It was on a Thursday evening that your eyes locked on me and wouldn’t let me go.
You were so simple yet somehow breath-taking, and I could feel my last bit of resistance crumble away as he pushed me against the bar, the liquor still hot on your breath.
I had convinced myself that the feeling wouldn’t last and that the lingering attraction would soon fade, but God was I wrong about that.
One night turned into a second, a third, and so on until I lost count, and while we were only inches apart, it sometimes felt like there were miles between us that I couldn’t possibly bridge.
Never before had I met someone as cocky and self-confident that talked so negatively about themselves and it disturbed me how much that sparked my interest; bad boys don’t want to be saved
no matter how attractive they make it for you to want to save them.
I told myself I wasn’t going to fall for you, I would not let it get that far but.. there’s no harm in having a little fun right?
I was dead wrong.
The pain from a past failed relationship was still lingering in my chest, sparked up every time I saw my ex with his new girlfriend.
Maybe that’s what drove me at first: I wanted him to be hurt too, see I was better of without him, better off with you.
How could I have thought that that would be true when I knew how you play your games, what your end goal is.
It was probably because I still felt so lost and for the first time I had a hand reaching out to me, to pull me out of the black void I seemed to be stuck in.
Your help didn’t come through deep conversations and strong advice, no your help was – still is – like a drug.
When I am with you I can close my eyes and lose myself to that good sensation, like I am about to float off and only hanging on by a thread.
And I love that feeling, perhaps I have even gotten addicted to it.
Yet there is more to the situation because like any drug there can be side effects to usage.
In this case, it is jealousy, a lingering feeling of self-doubt when I get off my high and open my eyes to see reality.
I have been number two before and it left me in so much pain that I didn’t know how I was going to live through it.
But I did.
Yet here I am again, searching for what I don’t want to see in an age where it is so easy to stalk people.
I hate myself for it, I really do, it makes me want to throw my phone out the window and forget social media even exists.
But that feeling in the pit of my stomach remains because I cannot help but feel like I am once again in second place.
The worst thing is; we’re not even dating, you cannot and will not settle down and I have absolutely no right to the feelings that I have and I know what I should do, but I can’t seem to do it.
How in the world could I give you up, my drug, maybe even more than just my drug. The truth needs to be out, as I am not being fair to you but please forgive me for not being ready yet.
I promise I will let you go….but, for now, please let me be selfish a little longer.