This is going to be one of the hardest letters for me
Did you know that when I was younger and I learned what a divorce was I wished that y’all would get one. My earliest memories don’t involve either of you.
For a long time we only saw each other on Sundays
when we would go to the movies together. Those days were filled with y’all yelling at each other and ignoring me. Both of you have tried buying my love but it never worked.
I never saw either of y’all as my parents.
I still don't. The only time y’all would talk to me is when either you were bad mouthing the other or telling me my grades were not good enough.
That was how things were when everyone was healthy.
When mom started getting sicker things changed. Dad, you could never handle her being sick and you would lean on me. I remember being in elementary school and having to talk to the emts
Did you not think it was weird for a child to not cry
when they thought their mom was going to die or after her triple bypass. I had to stay strong for you. I still do. It wasn’t fair. Life isn’t fair.
I used to have nightmares about upsetting y’all.
I still have panic attacks about it. I can’t make choices on my own. I have an evil tag along voice in my head telling me I am not enough. My grades are not enough. I am not nice enough.
I’m not blaming you although my therapist
seems to believe some of the parts of me that are messed up are y'all's fault. However placing blame on y’all will do nothing other than letting me wallow in self pity.
Even though this isn’t everything my point in saying
all of this is because I have one question. How did you not notice?