It's Really Hard Being A Vampire
It's Really Hard Being A Vampire  comedy stories

captainamiracaI'm an aspiring writer, I hope you enjoy
Autoplay OFF  •  9 months ago
Dear diary, Okay fine this isn’t a diary but it is Google Notes but here we are...

It's Really Hard Being A Vampire

Dear diary,

Okay fine this isn’t a diary but it is Google Notes but here we are.

So let me start off by saying I’m not usually this mopey or whiny but today has been a really fucking doozy and I just figured one day I’d want to look back on this specific day as

the beginning of the end.

Okay okay, I’m being really fucking dramatic right now but here is my mission statement. The constant mantra that goes through my head every day when I wake up.

It’s really fucking hard being a vampire. It’s not just really hard, or fucking hard, it’s really fucking hard to be a vampire.

When you get bit it’s all fun and games until you have to pick your sorry ass up off the couch and hunt fucking rabbits instead of watching Breaking Bad.

Honestly, I really didn’t think this decision through. Here I was thinking I would become the Dexter of vampires.

Working for red cross, sneaking bags of blood, gulping it down and being some badass beautiful super genius.

Let me take some time to debunk some of my past selves thoughts. First things first, I volunteered for red cross for like an entire week.

Let me tell you (myself), they keep inventory on that shit. And I guess they get really freaking mad when bags of blood go missing, and people who lose an entire 10 liters of blood get fired.

On their first week. Yeah, it’s shitty.

And secondly, badass beautiful super genius? Was I fucking high a year ago? Avoiding sunlight does not do wonders for your skin, not even a little bit.

I’m pretty sure I was expecting to turn into some sort of porcelain faced princess overnight. Newsflash to myself, I’m born latino.

I don’t look hot, I look sickly, and sickly latina women are not exactly the epitome of badass beautiful super genius.

Do you want to know what else sucks about being a Vampire? Interacting with people, social anxiety didn’t exactly go away now that I sometimes want to eat the people around me.

I think I was expecting to turn into some suave, smiley, sexy, charming beast of a creature. Instead, I think I fall apart faster.

Whenever I’m talking to a human being 5 seconds in some dumb portion of my brain is already wondering if they can see my especially pointed canines. It’s ridiculous.

I’m just thankful that becoming a vampire left my appetite intact. Drinking blood just replaced my need for water.

And you know there are only a few small differences between water and blood. You know, one sometimes falls from the sky while the other is fucking trapped in living meat sacks.

Jesus, if any of my sisters or friends or parents are snooping through my phone and reading this entry remember this.

If a guy wears a condom you’re protected from STD’s, if a guy bites you in a sexual manner you’re NOT protected from BFTIAV.

And in case you need BFTIAV expanded, it’s just the shortened version of Being Fucking Turned Into A Vampire!

Okay, okay, I need to take some deep fucking breaths.

I have rice cooking on the stove and I’m just going to eat that, watch some shitty demolition show, and see how far I can get until the need of blood sets me off into a panic.

Bye or whatever, if I don’t delete this by tomorrow I hope I find this hungover in a couple months from now and at least have a good laugh. Or cry either one.

PS (yes I’m going to write a ps to myself fuck off self). A huge con about still loving food is that the only available times I can burn the calories off are during dusk or dawn.

And not even Big Ben himself could be loud enough to wake me up anytime before 7 am.

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