I imagined myself emailing Mr. ------- about the matter:
"Dear Mr. -------, I hope that this day bids you well. For me, it has not.
I do not know if you have overheard me talking among my teammates today, but a particular --------- ------ said “my girlfriend” and her alleged name “------.”
So as we both may intuitively judge, I would like to jump off a cliff (not really; I will more realistically wallow in my feelings for the next month).
Nonetheless, this email is a thank you for trying your very best to bring these two calamitous teens together. Perhaps I should have “shoot [my] shot” earlier, or perhaps ------, who has been a longtime friend of his, should have conveniently dropped off the face of the earth.
In the end, sometimes things just do not flow the way we want – and such is life.
Your now slightly misguided and ever messy student, -------- ------- (a.k.a. Boo Boo The Fool)"