So who to talk about today?
Hmm...I'll go with Spence.
Spence and I were really only friends for a year. 9th grade was hell for me, and he was one of the only people who could cheer me up. I had Spanish, Biology, and Seminary with him; all classes where we had a lot of down time. So, we began talking and quickly became friends.
The thing is Fish hated Spence. He said they had a rough past together (A.K.A they both liked the same girl and she chose Spence.) So that played a part in Fish ignoring me for a part of 9th grade. He was probably thinking something like how Spence stole his crush and now his best friend. But Spence was never my best friend. Fish was and I would never replace him.
Before we go on with the story you should know that I was definitely in love with Spence. So I guess Fish called it: Spence stole both of Fish's favorite people's hearts.
Me and Spence would mess around during Spanish, he would make all of our friends be quiet as I slept through Biology, and during seminary we would completely ignore what the teacher was saying and just talk the entire time. But it wasn't all fun and games. He would talk me through anxiety attacks and the numbness that would come after them. And I in turn would help him with his girl problems.
Although I liked him, I would always try to give the best advice I could.I knew how much he liked them and I didn't want to ruin that for him. Sure it hurt but I knew he didn't like me and I respected it.
It hurts when you're always there for someone and they aren't for you. Sure he was there for me most days but when I started really stuggling and his relationship started picking up speed, he stopped caring.
I had been planning on committing suicide for a while but the day beofre I had chosen to do it i decided to give it one last try. I decided to talk to someone. This was at the point in ninth grade were Fish first started being weird around me, so I couldn't talk to Fish about it. I chose to tell Spence, after all, he probably had guessed about my depression long before.
At the end of Seminary, which was our last period, I asked him if I could talk to him. Although he was a little distant lately because of his relationship, I still trusted him with this. But no, he wanted to talk to the girl he wanted to breakup with his girlfriend for. I know what you might be thinking, "Spence is such a player". But he wasn't. It was 9th grade. Liking people was confusing.
Anyways, let's get back to the story. When he decided to talk to that girl instead, I thought no one cared. So I went on with my plans to go to lacrosse one more time before I ended my life. But my friend who we'll call V saw me there, and having depression herself, knew I was going through a hard time. So after practice she talked to me and I told her about my depression. She saved my life that day. Too bad living is hell.
Although it hurt, him leaving me when I needed it the most didn't ruin our friendship. He got with the girl, and I stayed alive. So I guess it all worked out.
Fast forward a couple months and it was almost the end of the year. He told me he was going to move to Arizona as soon as the school year ended. I don't think I've ever cried so hard. I was losing one of my closest friends! But at least I had till summer with him.
One day all of us friends decided to go to a dance. Dances aren't my thing. I have social anxiety and things like that always triggered it. After about 30 minutes the attack started to come. I was literally panicking at the disco. I ran into the bathroom and started crying. When I decided I needed a drink and came out, there he was, looking for me in the halls
He would help me out like that all the time. In fact, the last time I saw him he helped me through one. We were at a party on the last day of school at our friend's house. He was having a rough day due to a recent breakup, and ignored almost everyone and played basketball the entire time. And of course, I had an attack. I went to the side of the yard that only couples were on to be alone and get a drink.
He could instantly tell something was wrong and came over to help. We stood there as I tried to calm down. He rubbed my back again and told me that I was going to be okay and that I was strong. I almost cried. Little did he know that nothing is okay. A few seconds later I realized his ex and her friend's were glaring at us, and not wanting to upset them cause they were my friends too, I left him there.
I regret walking away. That was the last time I was ever going to see him. I was stupid and payed attention to what fake friends thought. And that's what they were. They didn't care. I was always alone in they're group. And as soon as we made it to high school, they never said anything more than a passing "hi" to me again. If I ignored them, I would have stayed with a true friend.
School ended, summer started, Spence moved. Our friendship ending wasn't anyone's fault. But it was still an end, and endings are always sad. I cried for a week after he left; I still miss him. I get emails from Arizona State trying to get me to go there. Even though I hate the heat, I wonder if I do, would I magically bump into Spence there?