every night, i take my pills.
effexor, vistaril, propranolol, klonopin
to drown out the anxiety.
to drown out the panic.
to drown out the thoughts that enter my brain, unwelcome.
the most important pill of all
is the seroquel, 400mg.
my therapist once told me i might get the schizophrenia diagnosis.
i ended up with "psychotic disorder not otherwise specified."
see, my brain does not work correctly.
it does not interpret correctly.
it sees silhouettes where there are not.
hears my name where it is not.
tells me there are maggots in my head.
worms in my veins.
tells me there will be a car accident if i do not hurt myself.
tells me the vents are pumping poison.
i've been in the hospital a time or two.
it's not like the movies say.
it was routine and stringless hoodies.
closing my eyes at the scale.
i stayed for 11 days.
when i left, i was human again.
no longer floating.
no longer still.
no longer slave to the whispers.
i packed up my markers.
put my books away.
how terrifying to be whole again.
i said my goodbyes.
when i felt the air again
i got in the car.
my mom handed me blackberries.
i smiled and ate them.
my nana visited to welcome me home.
no longer a den of fear.
my mind is home.