I can't stop thinking about the thing I wish I could forget.
Her thoughts ring out inside my head
The ones written on that crinkled up paper, the one you said I didn't need to keep.
How you talked about how I'm selfish and only care about myself?
That I'm a liar who cannot be trusted not now not ever.
But I keep wondering why you said that..
Was it because I stopped caring about your "Catholic values"?
Or because you too are afraid of how what I said would make you look to the rest of the family?
Was it because I wanted to do something for myself for once or because you truly believe that its a sin?
Because as far as I know you haven't been to church in at least a year and heck you joke about getting a divorce all the time.
So why should you have a say in who I tell? Why should you get a say in who I am?
I've done EVERYTHING you've wanted for 17 years so why should you get to dictate anything?
I've felt like crap more times then I can count because of what you've said about me or even about other people. People just like me or even people who I care dearly about.
Would you change your thoughts if you knew what I know?
If you knew that I'm not the only one?
That someone who you say you love as well is just like me?
Would you change if you knew it truly is killing them? If you knew that they lie awake wondering how you or even their parents and siblings would react?
Would that be enough to change you?
Or would you tell them that "they are too young to be depressed"
That "people have it a billion times worse and that they should just suck it up"
Would that be enough to change you?
But I've known for too long, I've made myself a family that you can choose to be a part of.
When I leave in less than a year will it be on good terms or will it be on bad? Can we mend this rift that has been forming for as long as I can remember or is it too far gone to fix?
We seem to have days when it is all good but then long periods where it is beyond terrible and everything I say and do is wrong. What can I do? What can we do?
I've tried to be silent for as long as possible but I can't anymore, I've made you happy but the cost is too great for myself.
So yes maybe I am selfish but I've been too careless in the past and I am done.
I know I'm a liar, I'm trying my dammed best to fix that but sadly it takes time and a ton of effort.
I hate that I am and hopefully I can change but you have to change too, please if not for me then for the other child who is deathly scared of what will happen.
Let them know that you are trying, if not big steps then with small, just little things please that all I'm asking for.
I don't want them to go through what I've gone through, it's not fair and it's not right.
Why should it matter if I'm gay or if their Bi? Why should it matter if I'm asexual or even Aro? To me it shouldn't its who I am and who they are, no one should get a say in who someone else is.
It's none of their business.
If I thought it was safe or if I was just fed up with hiding and being scared it was my decision its been months now and I seriously hope that one day EVERYONE changes so that it
doesn't matter who you like or what you look like but just that we are all here, living or trying to live at least.
We shouldn't have to keep hitting rewind on past conversations that make us feel terrible.
We should be able to move on and be happy and free.
So maybe one day we can be with who we want, dress, however, we want and do whatever we want with our lives.
Society and others shouldn't get to dictate who we love and who we share that love with.