I'm always told I can do anything I want once I graduate
But then I'm told the expectations
The expectations that it's a well-paying job that requires a lot of extra education besides the 14 years we are put through just to be told that we are smart
The expectation that it makes me happy
That it must help others as if-if it's not then it's not a great job
That as long as others are happy I will most definitely be happy to
As though my own needs are overshadowed by the needs of others and the need to make my family proud.
As if my very ambitions need to be overshadowed
As if my own fear of failure will just make me work harder instead of keeping me in a tight box.
But even if I think of all the positives of a good job I still get overwhelmed by the darkness
By the fact that I am not good enough
I've never been and never will be
I barely meet expectations
I almost do my best
I'm always someone's second option
I can't keep a conversation going long enough and lack the social skills to ask the right questions.
I stay up so late doing homework that I barely get a second to myself, even on weekends I still have extra work and never a second to spare.
But do you care?
No, you still keep pushing your expectations on me
Making me work ten times harder just to impress you.
BUT what about what I want?
The truth is I don't know what I want anymore.
My thoughts and fears have begun to get muddled together to the point of no return.
So I'll just stay here sitting and waiting
Waiting for my future to be chosen for me.