Last week my eldest son had spoken to his half sister, my daughter from a previous marriage. He wanted Nonni to tell me that my ex-wife had died. I was shocked more by the way it affected me than the loss itself. I thought I hated her. So many times I wished her dead. Now that it was true, those thoughts kept me up all night. I had to write something to help me come to terms with it. I think, "Am I next?" is hovering somewhere in my mind.