I want to sleep, to be swallowed by my bed and fall into a deep disappearance in it’s cozy darkness. Wake up, The feeling of dread starts to begin as I reach over for my phone here it comes again. The beating sharp chest, legs start to feel weighted (is someone on me?), arms shaken just to look at the time. 5:47am. I stare back up at the ceiling and close my eyes
I am nothing. I’m stuck in limbo and each morning is the same as yesterday and the days before, ugh what a pain. Wake up, *adds song in my head, time to continue this day. I can’t stay in bed, ready on the count of 3. 1,2,3 *heaves, alright here I go. Pants, deodorant, shirt, hair, teeth, bathroom, breakfast, out the door. Now I’m in the office.
Around people, my mood begins to lighten. The day furthers in an open ray of hope. One day, each morning won’t be hard, one day I will feel a part of this world. As time moves, so does this mind. I’m part of time moving and all of those mornings are behind me. Don’t look back, and keep moving forward.
I am not the same girl as I once was, the past I’m no longer sown too, I am going along with the ride on my boat on my own. Through every dead wind, over boards, rocky seas, velvet waters, I’m sailing forward on my own. As the past follows me through every path, my shadow now unattached tries to reach out to me. I feel it’s presence as its arm goes through me. I keep my back facing you.
I am unattached, I will not be turned around, I’m keeping my sight forward no longer facing the ground and you will continue to only see my back and head tall. I’m not the girl you once knew. Reminiscing comes to me once in a blue moon. I don’t stay hidden in you, in your shadow, I’m not sown to you anymore.
I’m not a part of this world, I’m in limbo with my boat floating forward, wind carrying these old threads through time and it gets easier through time. Focusing on what’s next is easier. Life is easier. All I need is easier.