I didn't want to give up. I never planned on it. I remember feeling safe and happy.
I can't tell you how happy and thankful I am for that, for feeling those moments of security I was never raised with. I was raised to cower to everyone.
That was how my mother and father agreed I will survive. I was raised with bullying and hate. I was bullied more in my own home than I ever was outside of it.
One thing I never could say out loud was, I never wanted to survive. I wanted to live. I never wanted to cower I wanted to stand up and not be afraid.
I wanted to be able to protect the people I care and love. That isn't how I turned out. I hated myself everyday for it. I hate that I can't protect you or help you.
I hate that I walked away when you needed someone.
I never told you how much of an amazing person you were. You weren't raised like me.
You had to raise yourself and you became so strong and outspoken and stood up for yourself and never hesitated to protect the people you loved. I loved that about you.
You were everything I wasn't. You weren't broken like me.
You weren't born into this world only to be born to people who agreed that breaking you as early as possible would be easier than raising a child who stands up for themselves and sticks by
what they stand for. I was.
I was born a coward. I am not noble or strong or important. I am a coward. And I know cowards are not meaningful. Cowards do not matter to anyone.
We are just miserable and burdens to the people who are strong and determined. We don't deserve to be here. A coward cannot be loved. And I know I am not strong and I never will be.
I shouldn't be here. I desperately hold onto the hope that one day I will be a strong and determined.