I used to doubt my will to live.
I used to lock myself in the bathroom, staring at the blade.
But convince myself not to.
No one believes that I had depression, and even though it's not as bad as it was, I still do. Not my 'friends' or my father believe. So I pretend everything is fine.
I found something in a book, that reminds me of what it feels like.
"Depression is like running through an endless corridor in the dark, with viscous shadows chasing you. The shadows slowly eat away all the light surrounding you, making the corridor pitch black.
You try to run, to scream, you'd do anything to catch up to the light ahead, but you can't because something in the shadows is pulling you back.
Slowly you start losing the will to run from them, thinking that you shouldn't taint the light with your own shadows, and so you stay hidden in the dark silently screaming for help,
looking for a way out. Any way would do."
I remember when I would list all the reasons not to cut cut myself, or lose my will to live completely.
It truly felt like something was trying to pull me into the dark.
This lasted for around 6-10 months. They were the darkest moments of my life.
I can't be more thankful to my mother for noticing something was wrong. Even I didn't notice.
I've gotten through it. Mostly.
Now, with my mask built, it's hard for people to identify it when I'm having doubts.
That's why I don't ever leave myself to my own thoughts for too long. If I do, the darkness slowly becomes visible. Because it never left. I only became better at hiding it.
Written by Arttywitch. Thanks for reading
Fourth written work. These are more like journal entries. They Help me get my feelings out.