That question again, asked with her little girl's sweet, sad voice.
"Why won't daddy tuck me in, mommy?" She asked, and my heart broke all over again.
I couldn't cry in front of my daughter. She was too young to understand the pain I was experiencing, she was too young to comprehend loss the way an adult could.
It was hard explaining it to her without breaking down and sobbing. I felt so alone, and not even her teddy bears made me feel any safer.
I was alone now, alone with Lily, my sweet angel, and I had to come to terms with it, somehow. For her sake.
"Daddy isn't home, Lily" I explained patiently again. I didn't feel strong enough to tell her he was never going to be home again, not after last night's conversation.
"But he'll be home soon?"
My eyes filled with tears, and I was thankful that the only light in the room was Lily's small nightlight.
"No, honey. I told you about it last night, remember? Daddy is in heaven now"
"But he'll climb down soon, right?"
I closed my eyes. I wanted to scream. Not at Lily, of course: At this world and how unfair it could be sometimes.
"No. You can't climb down from heaven once you go there, honey"
There was a long silence. Lily hugged me. Was she crying? I wasn't sure, and I didn't dare look down.
"Maybe we can build a really long stair to help him climb down?"
I bit my lip so hard, somehow keeping myself from whimpering. I sighed instead.
"It's time to go to sleep, babygirl"
"Can you sleep in my bed, mommy?"
I cuddled up with Lily that night. I don't know who needed it more, her or me.
I miss him... And I don't know how many times I can keep explaining he's not coming back before I truly break down.