This is probably one of my favorite things I've ever written and it's all about my distrust in men that have been in my life. I've shared this with other people before and I think it explains partially why I am the way I am.
The first man to call me sweetie made me cry over and over. I welcomed him back into my life and got used to the taste of his betrayal. There was a love so deep inside of me that I couldn’t deny him. I was a part of him and he was a part of me. Being bonded by blood excuses human behavior and that’s exactly what it was.
To err is human and you were/are the picture perfect definition of that. -The timeline begins with you
The first boy to kiss me did it so innocently. I was 10. The grass tickled our legs as we sat on the hill and let the summer sun toast our skin. He leaned over but I didn’t even notice. I felt his lips against my cheek and smiled. That was it. His hand gently covered mine, we looked at each other and that was it. There was no shrinking away at his touch.
I was able to breathe and enjoy the moment. I was not worried about what would come next or what would happen the next day. There were no expectations. -The innocence before the downfall
The first guy who wanted to have sex with me said so when I was 15. He told me his parents weren’t home and he wanted me to come over with a winky face emoticon. He was older than me by a few years and I wondered if he somehow forgot. It was a mistake. I had to be because I was only 15 and sex wasn’t a thing 15 year olds were supposed to do.
Fifteen year olds were supposed to have sleepovers and gossip with their friends about the guys they thought were cute. But as I stared back at that winky face I felt something change. In his eyes I was not a 15 year old girl experiencing her first “relationship”. I didn’t want to be alone with him after that. I dreaded it.
I was so scared that the topic was going to come up again. It didn’t because I broke things off with him. This started a pattern that warped my mind and my purpose. -The only thing I was made for
The first guy to make me think I could be in a relationship wasn’t “ready” for one . He oozed with a confidence that made me jealous. He was so open to talk about anything and everything which pulled the uncertainty out of me. I tossed it aside because I knew he was different.
His stare did not make me feel uncomfortable; it made me want to open up. The conversation between us flowed like wine and I got wasted on it. It made me dizzy and giddy. It made me think the timeline was going to change.
I told him how I felt not knowing what to expect but hoping for the best. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worse. I hope where ever he is, he’s happy. -The one who was ready, just not for me.