It's been crazy and stressful. And everything is happening so fast. I feel like I haven't been able to fully process what's going on. I had therapy the other day and just let loose everything I was feeling but I still have some thoughts that I just need to get out.
Okay so above all, moving sucks and I have never experienced the process of moving before. Well not that I remember. My friend keeps reminding that I have moved before but I was like 3 so I just had to stay out of everyone's way.
Also we barely had anything when we first moved in because of all the times my mom sold stuff to bail my Dad out of jail. We've been here for 24 years........... That's a lonnnnnnnng time to be living in one place. That's a lot to pack up, physically (ouch and emotionally (internal ouch)
Don't get me wrong I'm glad to be out of this place. I know I need to get out in order to keep getting better but... This is my home. I've spent so much time here. I've cried so much here. I've laughed until I've cried.
My friends and I have sat in this room and had deep conversations about our lives until 2 in the morning. We've played video games on like 4 different game systems throughout the years. We ate a whole entire pie with our hands because we were too lazy to grab a fork.
We had a grape fight and threw grapes at each other in the living room and I'm pretty sure there's still spots from that on our walls. We've done so much in this place and I feel like I'm the only one remembering it because they've already moved on. Reminiscing by myself is not fun.
It makes the good times seem less good and more lonely than anything. Right outside my window my friend and I built a snowman. We gave it boobs, used rocks for the nipples. My friends tried smoking thyme...yeah the spice. Idk y we were just dumb kids. We had a box of hair ties and flung them at each other from different corners in my room.
I'm trying to focus on all the good ones. But the bad ones creep in too. Being assaulted in your own room really messes with your head. But hearing someone say they love you in that same room and making you feel loved...just for a little while is a much stronger and more recent memory that I'd like to hold onto.
All the times my friends would come knock on my window and get me to come outside. All this times I had my friends climbing in and out of my windows and all the times my mom told me not to do that. God there's just so much and I not having anyone to share them with is a little sad.
You said you were dumbfounded that I was moving...I was dumbfounded you had a reaction at all. If I'm being honest, this isn't how I thought it would happen. I pictured celebrating with my best friends. Maybe having a game night when they found out I was moving.
I pictured my best friend hanging out with me in my room and helping me pack the things I need not the things I want. We would go to Starbucks when I got too stressed out and bitch about whatever we needed to. My family would help and tell me how great it is that I'm moving on.
My old friend group would randomly show up to my house and offer to help than we would walk around one last time and talk about all the things that I'm currently thinking about. I could leave the heavy lifting to someone who doesn't have wet noodles for arms because that's pretty much what I'm working with.
Even though I'm only about 15 minutes away my best friend would tell me she'll miss me being so close. Also we would have more than a week because like this shit is stressful with a deadline. And everything wouldn't fall on me because right now I feel like every time I sit and relax that I'm wasting time when I could be doing this or that.
Also I hate it when someone says "This is all you have packed." We only found out we were moving, a week ago. In that week we've managed to throw away half of our stuff (no joke) and move the other half into our new place. It doesn't look like that though because we still have all this furniture.
I was so focused on fixing myself and getting myself to a place where I can be happy doing things by myself and just being alone that I wasn't thinking "You're going to move 24 years of your life away in a week, good luck!"
Also I'm dealing with a new kind of sadness. I was so heartbroken, not having my best friend around that I kinda forgot about my best friends mom and the rest of her family. Just hanging out with her mom made me realize how much I miss just talking and hanging out with her. My best friends family has always treated me better than my own family.
I've always felt welcome when I was invited to parties and barbecues. They never forced me to eat or talked about me behind my back. So I'm being left out of stuff like that too and it sucks. I'm just afraid that when I move down there, I'm really going to have no one. Not even what little people I have now.
I wanna reach out to people so bad but I just think about what happened last time and I can't go through that again. I can't pour my heart out to someone and have them just sit there and say nothing. I can't reach out to someone I loved and get back an even quieter silence than we have now.
I'm just thinking about that whole situation again and god I wish I could have changed it completely. I wish things weren't rushed and I just don't know what to do about it. Not talking or reaching out to people I care about hurts me so bad.
I don't know. I can't focus on that right now. I gotta worry about this move. I passed on a message to you but I don't know if you care. I don't know if you want to hear I'm thinking about you or that I miss you. I don't know anything except if you don't ever want to talk to me again it'll hurt but I'll be okay and I understand.
Although...closure would be nice. Just saying.
But she's a different story. I wasn't ready to not be your best friend anymore and I think if we never talk again, I won't be okay for a very long time. I think if you don't want to talk to me ever again I'm going to have to move to another country to escape all of our memories together.
I actually feel really emotional and anxious as I'm writing (typing) this. I think it's finally hitting me. I think 24 years worth of memories are trying to drown me right now. I don't have a lifesaver. I'm probably going to cry later in this room for the last time.
I'm just so glad for the people who are helping us move. My own family are no help. My dad is getting kicked out so he'll be moving this soon too. He said to me "I'll only be like 10 minutes away from you." And I'm supposed to care why?
I'm just so sick of people who promise they'll be there to help you (like with moving) and then when you need that one person to step the fuck up, they're nowhere to be found. It's okay. I'll do this by myself with the help of my REAL family.
I hate to end this on a sour note but I've just got a lot going on and no one to tell anything to at the moment. Also I wouldn't turn down a back or shoulder massage because holy shit my everything hurts *sigh* three more days