I'm just going to do another stream of consciousness because I feel like I have to. I feel like if I don't say everything that's on my mind right now, I'm going to burst into tears and I really don't want to do that while I'm at the college.
Let me just say I know that everything that makes me anxious are things that I do to myself. I don't need to worry so much, I know that. I know I should just relax and not care but that hardest thing for me to do in the entire world. I don't know how to stop myself from overthinking. I've never been taught how to do that.
So when someone tells me to just relax, I can't. I don't know how but I would love for someone to teach me. Please someone tell me how to slow down my brain, not shut it off. I reach the point where my brain shuts off and you can't get me to do anything.
Today I woke up anxious because I had two classes today instead of one . I was worried I wouldn't be able to to find my class because I couldn't find it on Tuesday. Just imagine showing up to class, the door is open but no one is there. Yeah my brain kicks into overdrive and I start questioning everything.
Maybe I have the wrong room? Is this the wrong building? Is it a Tuesday? Just really dumb shit that I know but because I get anxious, I question it. So then I try to find the room and I can't. I give up because what else can I do ask someone where it is, nope not me!
So knowing I had to get up this morning and find this stupid room made me want to stay in bed where the chances of me having a panic attack were slim to none. But I left, I get up and came here hoping I would see someone from my class and be able to follow them. I didn't see anyone from my class.
I emailed the teacher and she told me the vaguest directions for someone who has no idea where the fuck they're supposed to go. So before I have a full on meltdown I walk back to the lounge because it's somewhere I can actually fucking find.
So I'm pissed off, close to tears and I decide I need to eat everything I brought with me to make myself feel better. This is where the thing that protects my nose from being scratched by my glasses falls off (if you have glasses you know what I mean) so I make my food...
put my glasses back on (even though now it kinda hurts to wear them) and and sit down to listen to some music...only one side of my headphones is working...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I know I know these are all minor things but they just keep piling up and I'm not strong enough to keep them from crushing me today.
And I'm done complaining to people because most people don't care or know what to say. I'm not surprised either that they want to give up on me. Shit, I want to give up on me. Just give into the urge to stay in bed where nothing can stress me out.
I'm exhausted. Being me is so fucking exhausting but I don't even care about me. I can only imagine how everyone around me feels. My biggest fear is that eventually I'll push everyone away because I am just too much. When you've been told that before it fucks you up for life.
I don't want anyone to think I can't handle everything, I can most of the time but just this week is killing me. I don't want to burden anyone with my issues which are a mile long. I'm thinking too much about college and not in a good way. It feels like a waste of my time and I just don't know what to do about it anymore. idk.
I know what I want to do and right now it's not possible which makes me mad every time I have to get up and come here and waste more time. So for now I think I'm done ranting. I'm going to go buy more food to make myself feel better for a few minutes and then hurt me later on.
*sidenote* The emergency lights keep going on and off (i'm in the basement) so that's not making me feel any less anxious either *sigh*