The birthday blues are hitting me hard today. Probably because I spent the day with my cousins and their friends and helping with her graduation party.
I don't mind helping and seeing my cousins is worth the worthlessness I felt all day. It's not their fault they've got friends and I don't.
But even when I had friends, I never had as many as her.
And it's the age thing and feeling like I've done absolutely nothing.
I mean my cousins are like 9 years younger than me and they have two jobs, are going to school and can drive a fucking car, then there's me.
I have nothing
I have no one
and every time I think about doing any of those things my chest tightens
and I just can't.
I can't look for a job, because I don't drive and I can't learn how to drive because I can't afford it. I just feel so behind I bet my mom would be proud of me if I were more like my cousins
I just feel so useless every time I go anywhere with them. I'm just this 27 year old loser with no friends
God I miss my friends
This is the first time in my life that I haven't had a best friend
Now I'm sitting here crying and I knew I would cry today I felt it all day I can't be around people for too long It just takes too much out of me
My stupid brain is like
hey maybe they'll wish you a happy birthday
Maybe your dad will wish you a happy birthday
Maybe someone will care
Maybe someone will surprise you
I hate birthdays
I'm supposed to go with my mom to Cape May and I've been looking forward to it for like a month and now I just want to lay in bed and cry and listen to music and cry
I never asked to be born
I never asked to have depression
I never asked to have anxiety
What did I do that was so horrible to have the things that happened to me?
Why can't I just find someone who can be there for me while I fix myself and be patient with me?
Am I not worth the trouble?
You dropped our friendship on the ground like it meant nothing
I guess now I know what you think of me
I'm nothing to you
I was nothing but a burden
I moved but my problems followed me
I knew they would
God I fucking hate birthdays
I mean honestly
what do I have to be happy about?
Why do I have to be happy about life right now?
I never asked for this shit
I just asked you to give a shit
I guess that was asking too much
I'm sure I'll write some depressing poems later and post them
For now I'm going to cry and listen to music