Where do I start about today?
Well I guess I can start out with it didn't start good.
My gut was trying to tell me something but I wished it away and didn't listen. It was telling me not to get my hopes up and I did it anyway.
I thought it was trying to stop me from being in a good mood but it was a warning. Why didn't I listen?!
I kept myself busy and ignored the twisting in my gut and the tightness of my chest.
It would pass and the day would get better.
I was hanging out with my friend and my boyfriend later on. I had something to look forward to.
Plans changed but I was still going to get to see him and my friend and get the hell out of the house, which was most important.
Right before I was about to leave...WHAM!
Smacked in the face.
Here comes my heart, pounding and ready to jump from a cliff.
There goes my chest. I can't breathe because I'm thinking of where you are and what your doing. Hoping that your okay and that your not ready to end it all.
Speaking of ending it all. Here come the flashbacks. Every time you're not okay, I picture you standing in that door way about to jump and I hear you say
"I was going to put a bullet in my head, but you stopped me."
Don't you understand, I don't want that type of responsibility.
Then another thing happened and my body told me no.
You're not allowed to have a good day today.
And now I'm just thinking of how dumb I feel for reacting like that.
and I'm a mess because of a memory and something you said to me on the phone late at night after crying and telling me how much I mean to you.
Too much happened today.
I don't wanna leave my room for awhile if that's okay with everyone.