Porn diaries 1
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aremdaich
aremdaich Whole essence of me
Autoplay OFF   •   3 months ago
Two minute read about the struggle between knowledge and gratification. Written intoxicated, edited sober. About three years ago, London.

Porn diaries 1

Why am I having perverted thoughts and compulsions stronger than myself?

Why am I having perverted thoughts and compulsions stronger than myself? Don't answer it.

I experiment with those forces - one has to know the enemy before fighting it.

I experiment with those forces - one has to know the enemy before fighting it. (The reasoning of all psychos)

But the enemy is my own psyche and what I need is support, not fighting myself.

The abuse I crave, yet I'm so timid. Who is the real me?

Being lost, not because not knowing where to go, but because everything else was discovered.

So I go to my empire behind my eyes.

The sexual drive is a powerful force - it's foolish to waste it, let it trickle between fingers.

Looking at how people fuck. I'm the spectator behind the camera: jerking away my freedom, my attention, my imagination, my expectations.

Look how funny they would look with all their cameras. How funny would I look seeing myself huffing and puffing into a screen?

The sweet feeling of the substance wears off. The newness is gone and all that remains is an addiction. None of the problems is solved, but one is added.

But I want more... And there's plenty of it

The headaches wear off, so will the bloated stomach. But the feelings of a lost battle, shame and deep-rooted insufficiency of oneself to oneself remain.

It's not bad because Jesus, parents, or whoever said. It's bad because it's easy - the ecstasy is undeserved.

Instant access to knowledge lacks the knowledge of how to get there. What good is anything, if I don't understand its value?

No prying mantis were hurt during this presentation.

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