In Pursuit Of The Infinite
In Pursuit Of The Infinite thoughts stories
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arasikmai
arasikmai Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   15 days ago
Chapter 1: I don't know what to do
(if this ever becomes something I want to continue)

In Pursuit Of The Infinite

I'm paralysed by fear, the fear of freedom, the immense abyss of choice.

I'm paralysed by fear, the fear of freedom, the immense abyss of choice. Being able to decide to do anything coupled with a second voice in my head judging that every option is arbitrary and meaningless, I can't obtain meaning. What is this about?

Music calms me but if I listen to the same songs for to long I slowly become restless, I am alone but I also have people to talk to: family, friends and long lost classmates.

When I think about what I would tell them to explain this situation to them I think of two things.

When I think about what I would tell them to explain this situation to them I think of two things. First that I don't know what to do, secondly that I can't remember a day in the past year when I didn't think about the words "kill myself" or about cutting open my arm.

Music does help for a bit, I feel I wanna be lost in music and not have any other sensation than that, I can choose to write but I feel empty,

I can choose to play but achievements don't bring anything, I can choose to watch streams, videos and TV shows but now I've seen too many, I feel that investing more time in these is a mistake.

I am left with reading, reading actually sounds nice, I want to be lost in reading as much as music. It scares me, I want to create but there's a gap seemingly infinite between me and quality.

I feel music is hard, and if I want to lose myself in reading and games then maybe these two are as hard to create as music.

I feel music is hard, and if I want to lose myself in reading and games then maybe these two are as hard to create as music. Night time, music and my thoughts. I like those moments, contrary to what one may think I am not panicking when I feel so desperately alone.

I do panic sometimes, when I'm having a good time with friends and dark thoughts come up, then I violently wonder why I am like this.

I do panic sometimes, when I'm having a good time with friends and dark thoughts come up then I violently wonder why I am like this. Since last year I have learn to keep that storm inside, it may be a bad thing but, in these moments,

I just become a silent spectator of both the events of the world and the hopeless chasm of the self.

I do feel fine for about seventy percent of the time, usually because I'm attending a course, talking about fiction or work.

For twenty-five percent of the time I feel nothing or I try as much to.

For twenty-five percent of the time I feel nothing or I try as much to. I wonder if I can't be productive because of a natural limitation,

or because I haven't practised enough at what I want to do, or just because I put too much pressure on myself and I have too big expectations.

For the remainder of the day I am mad at myself for my apparent laziness, for my awkward social interactions and for always going back to this state of free-fall.

Writing here doesn't seem meaningless so at least I can start from there. I have to build myself, I know I can't come up with a general theory of how to handle everything, I should start small.

Writing here doesn't seem meaningless so at least I can start from there. I have to build myself, I know I can't come up with a general theory of how to handle everything, I should start small. Taking care of my body, taking care of my house, taking care of my work but also taking time to relax.

This shouldn't so complicated, why do I fail to do such things? I wish everything was a dream.

I have things to be happy about. For starters my studies, I am definitely on the right track to do a job I will love.

I have things to be happy about. For starters my studies, I am definitely on the right track to do a job I will love. How lucky is that? If I didn't have that then I feel I wouldn't have had anything to rely on this past year.

At the same time it's when I came to realize I was at the right place that everything else crumbled apart and the world lost purpose.

I have all the tools to be happy and do what I want, but I aimlessly go from screen to screen, from headphones to earphones, just not to face the void within me.

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