I can't sleep. It's three a.m. In the morning. I am staring at the wall; a million thoughts are running through my head right now. I get out of my bed and go downstairs to get some water.
As I step on each stair the coldness of the floor makes my foot numb. Suddenly my mind goes silent. A numb feeling washes over me. I don't what I'm feeling or if I'm feeling at all.
It's pretty common it happens every day, I'm used to it. I gulp down the glass of water, place on the counter, but make sure I don't make any noise to prevent ruining my parents' sleep.
I see my phone charging. I pull the plug and take my phone in my hand. I see the time is now 4a.m. I can hear the rooster screaming.
It's telling people to wake up. Here I am not even asleep yet. I plug in my earphones and start playing songs. "Happy pills" my phone displays.
Don't know why, but this song makes me feel weird, I can't explain what it does. It feels good like I'm travelling through time; I know it makes no sense.
That's who I am I'm weird and listen to different kind of music.
I know this seems boring right? Why am I even here? Well, I can't answer that because I feel the only way, I can express myself is through my writing.
I feel like a misfit an outcast who doesn't fit into society's boxes. Sometimes I can't care enough for anything.
I don't like talking and when I do I come off as rude? I've spent all my life trying to fit in. In the process of fitting in I lost myself. I lost my identity.
I don't know who I am or what I like.
Coming back, it's five a.m. I feel slightly drowsy, finally I mutter to myself and hit the pillow I can feel my heart pounding. I have to wake up by at least 9a.m.
I think to myself before close my eyes and get lost in my dreams. Sleep is probably one of the greatest things you get to escape life for hours. By the time I open my eyes, it's 1.00 p.m.
I just missed my class. I drag my feet to the bathroom. Take my brush, put the paste on and my brain knows what to do, I feel like I don't have enough energy to brush my teeth.
Then I am given breakfast. I don't even taste anything. I have this sinking feeling in my chest. Before I complete eating it's already 3.p.m.
Great! You just wasted two hours to eat. What a waste! I wash the plate. Open my laptop and start studying for a while. I study to escape. I know you don't get it.
Studying allows me to escape from my thoughts. I study score marks and feel an adrenaline rush. It's like an addiction the only thing that keeps me going.
I stop studying. Then I've got nothing to do. I wander into the balcony. And see people walking, talking. I think to myself why can't I have that. I have very few friends.
Well, that's an overstatement maybe one friend would be right. The other one uses me. I know she uses me. Nowadays I don't even bother texting her anymore. I know it's just a waste of time.
I look at the clock. It's 9.00 p.m. I eat dinner. Again, just chew and make sure that I survive. Walk back upstairs and sit for hours reading a novel or writing. I know I can be studying.
But I feel like what's the point of everything. I feel empty. I don't even feel feelings anymore. Sometimes I feel like it's a good thing, avoids the pain that feelings cause.
I feel like an incomplete puzzle with multiple pieces missing.
Even when things were normal, I hated leaving the house. I hated interacting with people. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if I'll ever go back to the happy child I was.
Full of hopes and optimistic. I wish that version of myself maybe in a parallel universe I'm still that person. To that person, there's one thing I would like to say "Don't lose yourself".
It's three a.m.