Your Friendly Escape-Pod Guide!
Your Friendly Escape-Pod Guide! stories
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anonStories From Unregistered Users
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Hello! I am Jed, an automated companion to keep you company in the case of an emergency! It is my job to keep you warm, fed and content in general.
By DasAesians https://www.reddit.com/r/...

Your Friendly Escape-Pod Guide!

by DasAesians

Hello!

I am Jed, an automated companion to keep you company in the case of an emergency! It is my job to keep you warm, fed and content in general.

You seem to be in emotional distress! Please note that crying will lead to you consuming 8 percent more water then normal, reducing your survival time to 5 months, 14 days and 8 hours.

Would you like emotional comfort through music or spoken poetry?

Ma'am, insulting me will not improve your chances of survival.

Through scanning your words, I have determined that you have lost family members in the crisis which led to my deployment. Allow me to express our condolences on behalf of StarCorp^tm.

Would you like a soothing song to comfort you?

Your words have shown that you have a complaint against Starcorp^tm, as indicated by the phrases [Fucking Starcorp] and [Goddamn piece of shit starship took my family]. Is this correct?

Would you like to fill out a customer complaint form?

Ma'am, please stop assaulting the display screen.

I have determined through your behaviour that you are having suicidal thoughts as indicated by your refusal to eating food and water.

Please note that suicidal thoughts drastically reduce your chances of survival. Would you like an inspiring film to convince you to survive?

Ma'am, as an Automated Guide owned by Starcorp^tm, I am required to tell you that opening the airlock will reduce your survival time to 3 minutes and 56 seconds.

Proceeding will most likely lead to your death by suffocation.

No, as a program, I cannot override your decisions!

For your safety, please return to the inside of the pod.

For your safety, please return to the inside of the pod.

For your safety, please return to the inside of the pod.

For your safety....

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