things i did to cheer myself up today/ distract myself from my depressing thoughts:-watch ‘how i met your mother’-watch ‘toy story’ because i love kids movies-stay away from people as much
as possible-drink a LOT of tea-eat on the sofa while watching netflix-sit on the sofa with my jeans and bra on singing sad karaoke songs from my karaoke playlist on youtube-make
this list-avoid seeing my reflection anywherei wonder if i’d still be such a loner if i didn’t feel like shit about myself..
or would i actually like being in other people’s company? i mean i guess i do, sometimes.
when i can forget about the way i look for a sec, when i can actually be present and not stress about what the other person thinks of me. If they are as disgusted by me as me.
Or sometimes when i have make-up on and feel like a human. But then again, i’m only fooling myself thinking that the make-up actually can cover up anything.
And even if it did cover up my acne nicely, i’d only feel like i’m not being true to myself at the end of the day. Like i’m putting on a show. like i’m playing tricks on them.
prentending to be someone i’m not. i’m realy trying my best here to make myself feel better. i’m trying to take that negative energy inside of me and just release it in text-form.
Alright, i’m back with more tea now. i have this illusion that if i drink enough tea it’s gonna have a cleansing effect and detoxicate me, so i won’t get any more pimples.
but of course it’s nothing like that. But i’m stilll tryin to convince myself it’s true. I just can’t deal with the fact that nothing i do ever helps.
what have i tried already?
a whole bunch of different creames ofc, homeopathy, special detox diet, digestive pills, vitamins, birth control, make-up,
… i would have tried some pills that are very bad for your liver apparently, and have quite alot of dangerous side effects, but my dermatologist wouldn’t perscribe them to me,
since they’re only used in very extreme cases, she said.
So… my cousin, who took the same brith control pills as me, said that she noticed a difference in her skin condition after 6 months of taking them.. So..
if it takes that long to see any positive results, i guess i have another 4 months to go… so i guess i could expect some kind of improvement around december this year?
if not, i’m giving up the brith control.
i’ll go to another dermatologist here in germany and hopefully that will be the person who’ll finally perscribe me something that will actually work and free me once and for all from
this misery.Although i do hope that it doesn’t have to come to this, and that the birth control will do the job at some point..hopefully rather sooner than later. Preferably starting tomorrow.
But ofc that won’t happen. Since i’ve never had luck with anything i’ve tried to cure this shit, i’m guessing it won’t help at all. That’s the way it always has been for me.
I’ve seen some people who had worse acne than me, and who got rid of it. But not me, noope. I’m so fucking jealous of those people.
I would have swallowed any medication, no matter the side effects, to get rid of this. It just has such a huge impact on my life, it’s all i ever think about, it’s all i ever struggle with.
It’s taken a toll on my social life, prevented me from making nice memories, it has full control over me. So many of my actions can be traced down to this reason, to my skin.
I constantly feel like my body is working against me. I can’t even count the endless times i’ve cried over this. Not just shed a tear or two.
I’m talking about the type of crying when you can’t breathe, when the tears just won’t stop rolling from your eyes, and you’re gasping for air. Wait a sec. I need to blow my nose real quick.
I’m back. I think i’m finished for now. Enough already, drama queen. Some people have real problems. Ahh fuck. It certainly doesn’t feel like it.
It feels as if i’m the only person struggling with this. Everywhere i look, i see people with normal skin, just living their lives, with no care in the world. Ofc i now that not true.
Everyone goes through their own shit, i know that, But still, i always ask myself..
what could possibly be worse than hating yourself? Than waisting prescious time of your life, worrying about your fucking skin, your appearance, that in fact, most people don’t even care about.
Or do they? Anyway, it’s fucking stupid, but i can’t change it. I mean, i’m trying, believe me. I just don’t know how to. I just don’t get it. whatever. That’s all. Bye.-10|08|17