This is my first entry in a long time. I feel that I am dissociating again and I don’t know why.
I’ve tried keeping up with my schedule that I made for myself, but I cannot seem to lift the haze…This may be my fault.
I finished the book 13 Reasons Why but as I was reading it, I didn’t feel triggered.
I was empathizing, yes, because I know what both Hannah and Clay were going through was hard and straining, but I never personally experienced anything like it aside from the suicidal thoughts,
so I don’t understand why this is happening after I finished reading it.Debating on letting my counselor know about this right now or not.
I mean, she’s already left for the weekend so she won’t read it until Monday and God only knows what’s going to happen between now and Wednesday.
I’ve tried walking around the house and outside a little bit to try and clear my head, but that doesn’t really seem to be working either. This foggy feeling is just so annoying.
My eyes feel like there is a film over them, my heart is pounding in my chest, and it seems difficult to breathe normally…Maybe I’m making something out of nothing and overreacting…but if I am,
I really need to stop this because this is just bullshit.
I know for a fact I’ll either print this out and take it to my session on Wednesday, or I’ll copy it down in my journal…I don’t know, but it’s just all so annoying.
There’s a fly or something stuck in the window and it is making a really loud noise…I wish it would just go away.Ashur is laying on his new sleeping spot by the futon.
He’s sprawled completely out, I’m kind of jealous at how comfortable he looks.
Gannicus is still intrigued by the air conditioning unit and the sounds it makes while running, so he is just sitting on the floor staring at it.
Just how I feel I look if I were looking in on myself.
If I look away from this computer screen I get captivated by absolutely nothing on the wall and will stare at it for much longer than any person should…Again, it is frustrating and annoying.
I hate having this much time on my hands.I had more weird dreams last night. I dreamed about going out with Angela and her friends.
I knew she was going out last night and I guess in my dream I ended up going with them…or meeting them I should say.
I didn’t stay with them long because as soon as I got there I got mad at them for wanting to go somewhere else.
They said it was because they wanted to keep staying out, but I felt used for rides in the dream, so I told them to fuck off and I drove off.
I ended up getting drunk by myself at a few different food places. I don’t really know what to take from this honestly.
I have felt that since that night we all went out things have not been the same between us because I yelled at her.
I told her the next day that I was sorry, and she said it was okay, but I don’t think it really is.
It just adds to my unrealistic believe that no one really likes me, they only tolerate me because I am nice to them and because I will do just about anything they ask, and I give them things.
In 13 Reasons Why, Hannah asked Mr. Porter to give a definition of a friend…He said someone you can go to…and she cut him off saying she didn’t have any friends.
I can relate…I really don’t have any friends that I can really go to and talk about just anything.
If they come to me, I’ll listen and try my best to help them, but honestly, I’m lucky to get a decent response besides I’m sorry if I even mention something wrong with me.
It’s happened too many times in the past and I feel that it’s still happening today.
Do I just attract shitty friends? Or do I honestly just not trust them enough to even truly try opening up to them in fear of being rejected? I’m at work now, there’s not much to do.
I’m having a difficult time deciding what I want to do with this journal thing.
I mean, I want to hand write one, but I seem to actually say and open up more when I’m typing,
guess it’s because my fingers can keep up with my train of thought more so typing than when writing.
I also want to try keeping more than one, like having a movie journal, an anime journal, a book journal,
etc…I guess I can do that here with tags and just tag them differently…We’ll see…Hopefully, I can make myself keep this up this time even though I know I won’t.
I also want to get back into writing, but I’m not sure how I can jumpstart that.