I thought I was done with this anxiety shitI already find it difficult to love; why make it harder by adding doubt to a relationship?
It was just over something that I feel is small and irrelevant, but apparently it’s kinda not..? Oh well. I must be difficult to love then.
After all, no matter how much I deny it, so much of what makes me who I am is modeled after my mom (who’s been single for longer than I can remember).
Therefore, if no one can love my mom, including myself, than no one can love me.That’s flawed logic.How do I know that no one loves my mom. What even in the definition of loving someone.
What is my definition of love..?I don’t like feeling things. It was nice when I was young and naive and everyone else acted the same around me.
I knew there was drama though, I just never put myself in those circles.
So now I don’t feel anything because I never developed anything after growing up a little and having a taste of what the world is like. I didn’t like it. I’m still naive.I’m always alone.
Even when I’m surrounded by people who most likely care about me, I’m alone. I have no people skills; I don’t want to develop people skills.
I know this because when I actually want something,
I’ll put in the effort to get it; I’m only saying that I want to improve my people skills because it’s something that I’m missing that puts me at a disadvantage, but I haven’t taken any action.
I don’t like opening up. No one really belongs in the empty void that is my internal existence. Except myself of course.
It’s my bubble, and there’s so much more inside it than there is outside of it.
Which, in turn, makes me look boring and lifeless once you’ve gone through all the parts of me that exist out side the bubble.I’m just a selfish little prick. Sometimes.
There’s been a new addition to my list of “Things Wrong with Me.” First, anxiety then depression… and now, narcissism.
I need so much positive attention just to feel alright; even the slightest bit of negative attention will drag me down into the depression pit to drown in anxiety.