all right so apparently i was exaggerating when i said my family accepts my coping mechanisms because i just got yelled at for “being unproductive”.
aka my compulsive pacing.
i can’t help it. it happens and i get anxious when i can’t do it. i need to do it.
i have more control over it than when it started when i was sixteen, but i am not able to go a day without doing it or i can get bad.
they apparently don’t get that. because “productivity”. i know they make fun of it, but they usually don’t get mad. they usually just deal with it because i can’t stop.
i would like to stop. or at least cut back. ive tried to wrangle it with a gym membership, but that doesn’t help at all.
the only good thing about it is it allows me to think. it’s how all of my projects have been created since high school.
it’s how i see any value in myself because i imagine myself in different situations where i am better than i am.
it’s also how i prepare for any kind of social activity and really helps curb the anxiety.
and now they’re calling it “unproductive”.
they aren’t me. they don’t understand mental health because they’ve never had to deal with it. at least. not this flavor of it, if they’ve dealt with anything.
but yknow. i hate it because they sometimes have used this in the past to tell me that i “imagine myself as the victim” whenever i get hit. it’s always my fault, apparently.
he didn’t get in trouble until i went to other parts of the family, but she painted me a liar and still does.
she says i have a fantasy prone personality because im creative and i pace around a lot, so i just imagine “things to be worse than they are”.
because according to her, i cant tell the difference between reality and my headspace.
i can, in fact, tell the difference.
she just doesn’t want to admit to things that have happened, and all she has to do is twist reality to favor her and my brother,
and while i assume they’re wrong because i certainly remember things going differently than what they say, i crumble so fast.
i know things are different than what she claims because she has done this to me with other people as witnesses and they immediately told me she was lying when i couldn’t tell.
those people, even though they’re not my friends anymore, are people i trust over those two.
brand me unproductive. im fine with that. i don’t need to be doing something every second of my life. she considers everything i do that isn’t cleaning or school “unproductive”.
she has been calling my art unproductive.
….ill make a post about the art thing eventually.