Musing about myself to myself:
This is your 21st valentines day alone.
You have nothing but people you dont love after you. You have creeps on the enternet waiting to abuse you, you dont have a family though.
Your mom isnt your valentine anymore.
She abused you too much and you werent one of the kids who would still love their mothers after they knowingly hurt. And for this she wanted to hurt you more.
Dad is n ot your valentine. He took his life almost five years ago and your life went to shit. Your not sure of anything anf your alone again. He was the first person that loved you.
He was the first that said he never would leave. And you were an idiot to think that maybe there was better out there, or that you'd be equiped to get any sort of love.
You ran away to New York after the fosterhome. The aunt and fmaily that blamed your dads death on you.
You took on a new identity manicured youreself into a popular girl at school and it didnt last.
You fucked up because you didnt know what love was let a guy harp you and follow you and try to groom you into a sexual object. You asked for love and he all but left and laughed into a girlfriend.
You figure all they want s sex and get annoyed taling to them.
You had one boyfriend that you wouldnt claim because of his drug problem and living at home, not wanting to change. But he loved you.
You realiz 4 years later that he actually did and youre not sure if he was such a bad influence anymore. He smoked a lot of pot and got angry easily, but he treated you like a princess.
You dont understand how life works.
Youre not some poor little white girl, you know, where people actually feel sorry for you because your situation is uncommon.
You genes dont fit as beneficial in this time period and you feel relieved and disapointed by it. You wish your ancestors won too.
You realize that the prince, or just any man like that doesnt exist. No matter how virginal you were and pure you tried to be.
You dont believe in god not because you had a crap life, because your life doesnt consist of miracles and prayers and angels somewhere. its do something or be homeless, always.
You miss your family, but they mostly abused each other and put you down. You left and ran away and now theirs no one to love you.
You learn that the only man who probably ever did was your father, whos suicide makes you stay up and cry. You really wanted a family you wanted a prince, you wanted a knight, but they want sex.
the demons want sex. the knights want sex. They want your rotting corpse. You are sorry, you dont know how to love. Anyone too close scares you. You dont know if its worth it.
This anxiety this loneliness, for some guy satisfy his dick in. You realize theres not anything you can do about your life. Your tired of trying. You want to join your dad.
You dont know how but it becomes more apparant, no one will ever love you and you dont let anyone in.
You block everyone not ot get hurt and youre so lonely in the end that you are sobbing to sleep again.
You met a dom who abused you. You really dont trust anyone now. He laughs because he got his dick wet and youre shattered again. And thats how life works.
And because your a somewhat attractive carcass, guys are gonna play with you and try to poke their dick in you because its their devine right. This is life. You dont want to die.
You feel like you have to. Youre reclusive enough that no one would care soon.
You dont know when, but you know it needs to happen. Youre therapist is too busy flirting with you to care. And making you talk about him fliritng with you in therapy because its funny.
My life is not serious to anyone and i have no one. I hate holidays. I hate everything. I hope I die in a accident soon if this pain doesnt go away. I havent planned to do it myself in a while.