It has been quite some time, since I have been having my phases.
I would be going through life, then every so often, for a few days, I would see myself close down, shirk away from everything, begin to lose my will to do anything.
Other days every so often, I would look at my hands, and in my mind's eye I would imagine the skin peeling away, being able to see my flesh and veins.
I know why I dream of that, it is a dream of transformation, of being something other than who I am right now, to be something more.
I have also never really found myself able to tell people how I feel, to be able to show strong emotion, something would always get in the way, in the way of telling someone of my anger, my rage,
my fear, my sorrow.
All these things never really troubled me though, I knew that if I told anyone else of these things, they would be worried that I might kill myself.
It would have been an unnecessary concern though. I have always known that I would never kill myself.
Today though, after coming out of my latest collapse, I am worried, because today I again wondered if I would ever kill myself, and for the first time, I wasn't sure.