To the boy I thought I fell in love with the summer after high school, I never told you that I thought I loved you. We weren’t even a month into our relationship.
I can remember two exact moments when I thought to myself “I might actually love him.” You took me to my first adult concert.
We watched countless performers that day I, being claustrophobic, actually had fun in the mosh pit that was created.
I remember feeling so free, we were dancing to Sir Sly performing “You Haunt Me” I thought I loved you then.
Later that night at your house we listened to it again, along with his other songs, he was our favorite, I remember thinking then that maybe I love you.
I spent 3 weeks with you, practically living with you and your parents. We spent countless late nights talking and for the first time in what felt like forever I didn’t feel alone.
You had depression too and when we talked I felt normal, I think you did too.
But a few weeks after that concert you ended things, not much explanation, I frankly don’t remember much else about our relationship other than how I felt.
We stayed in contact for awhile, went to another concert together as friends. You still helped me feel normal. I still thought I might love you.
Shortly after my best friend and I had a falling out you told me I was selfish, which I didn’t understand, you told me a week before that people like me mattered, that I helped the world be better.
Nearly 3 years after we dated I’m starting to realize what feelings meant, where my heart was.
See the thing is, people can make you feel loved but also not love you, people can make you feel a lot of things but have opposite intentions.
I never loved you, I loved how you made me love myself. You opened my world to what music and words mean.
Its kind of ironic because I speak softer and with better intentions because of you, maybe you were right though maybe I was selfish. Maybe I still am.
So to the boy who I thought I fell in love with.
I didn’t love you, but thank you for teaching me to love myself, to love others better, to live my life with an open heart and for reminding me words matter.