The Man Who Wasn't Online: A Cautionary Tale
The Man Who Wasn't Online: A Cautionary Tale stories
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A man named Ned sat in his arm chair and read printed words on a collection of paper. He enjoyed his books and his slow secluded life. He lived in a small house out in the country and watched the sunrise every morning and took walks through the woods at sunset.
By DaShazam https://www.reddit.com/r/...

The Man Who Wasn't Online: A Cautionary Tale

by DaShazam

A man named Ned sat in his arm chair and read printed words on a collection of paper. He enjoyed his books and his slow secluded life.

He lived in a small house out in the country and watched the sunrise every morning and took walks through the woods at sunset.

He wrote long, well thought out letters to his loved ones and cultivated friendships like the the crops in his garden.

Since he didn't have many visitors he occupied his free time with the books from his parents collection. Hundreds of times he had read these stories and he cherished every one.

When he didn't feel like reading he would often go somewhere quiet and reflect on his life and the things around him.

When Ned did have to go into town he avoided gossip and mostly made polite small talk with his distant neighbors.

Ned didn't dislike people, he merely disliked their habits of creating problems. His world was small but it was beautiful and Ned wouldn't have traded it for anything.

But then one day Aptus, the vengeful god of the Net and lord of the cats appeared at his door.

"NED LUDD!" howled Aptus. "FOR TOO LONG HAVE YOU ALLUDED ME!"

"YOU REMAIN INDEPENDENT OF MY WIDE WORLD OF WEBS. NEVER HAS A COMMENT BEEN POSTED NOR A MEME BEEN SPREAD BY YOUR ABSENT USERNAME.

I AM APTUS, NED LUDD, AND I DEMAND SACRIFICE! I DEMAND PARTICIPATION! DID YOU EVEN SEE MILEY CYRUS AT THE VMA's?"

"Huh?" answered Ned.

"FOR YOUR HUBRIS I DAMN YOU NED LUDD, TO AN ETERNITY OF SURFING. YOU HAVE LIVED YOUR LIFE OFFLINE AND NOW I CURSE YOU TO A LIFE OF CONNECTIVITY!"

And with a wild laugh Aptus touched Ned's forehead. He heard a horrible noise and suddenly Ned was lifted off his feet and sucked into a series of tubes.

Ned flew through into this horrible new world, bombarded by noise, words, pornography and pictures of cute animals.

Suddenly it all stopped and Ned found himself lying in a landscape devoid of anything but a single play button. Cautiously Ned approached it, fearing what it might do.

Tentatively he pushed the button and before him appeared a dancing, singing Korean man wearing glasses and a suit.

"I don't understand!" cried Ned.

"Oppa Gangnam Style" replied the man.

Ned turned to run but everywhere he fled he was haunted by this horrible man and his terrible song.

"Forgive me Aptus!" Ned pleaded to the heavens.

But Aptus merely laughed at the man and retweeted his suffering.

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