I was 2 years old when i first felt sad, my ice cream had fell on the ground before i got my first lick.
I was 6 when i had my first panic attack, my mom and stepdad had gotten into a fight and he got violent. One of these is not like the other. But both were a start to who i am now.
Its funny to think of when you first felt something or heard something that is now apart of your everyday life.
Now lets skip a few years into the future, i was in 6th grade when i was hit in the face with a wave of feeling, this feeling wasn’t like other ones and was completely new,
it was a like a rain cloud had found his home in my thoughts and bought the property; a few months later his best friend moved in and made me close up and question my every move and thought.
These pals have ruled my life for years and limited my life to four walls and unfinished skills.
I can’t do the simplest of things without feeling like all my will is put into it, i can’t conversate and and meet new people without my rain clouds pal dropping in to whisper things into my ears.
Sometimes i can’t talk at all and find peace in sitting with my voice on mute and my thoughts on max, and when people ask me “why are you so quiet?
” I give them a shrug as i look down at the floor and twiddle my thumbs as fast as i can so i can focus on something besides the fact that someone is talking to me and i shouldn’t freak out.
Late at night is soulitude, i’m not wasting my time and i’m alone with tea and music.
But that also when thoughts can weave their way to my brain without a warning and send to places darker than the sharps and flats of my piano.
These thoughts can shift and turn to different forms, one can be a light shade of gray while the other can be a dark as night.