+ Most of your “best friends” growing up were emotionally abusive
+ So is your mother
+ Your first boyfriend neglected you almost entirely
+ Your second used you and almost got his way in raping you and proceeded to cheat when you “wouldn’t put out”
+ Your first girlfriend cheated on you from the get-go
+ Your husband gets taken away from you for two years and sent back to his home country, even though he entered the US legally (he’s home now, but still)
All these emotional scars… I wear them to this day. I don’t know that I’ll ever heal, but I’ll sure as hell try. I am still terrified of most people, especially men.
I trust too easily because I want to feel accepted, and yet I don’t trust at all at the same time because I am afraid of being used and/or abused again.
I struggle and fight for affection and attention, even when I already have it, even when I don’t want to be the center of attention.
I don’t feel anything halfway. I love with all my heart, yes, but… I also have wicked highs and lows, and nothing in between. I am either euphoric or depressed.
I have been diagnosed with crippling depression, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder, to the point where I have been told on certain occasions that I could be considered disabled.
I don’t want to be disabled because of my stupid past and my stupid mind.
So I keep pushing forward, through the self loathing, through the suicidal thoughts and occasional attempts, through the daily sadness that I know will plague my life.
Even though I carry these emotional scars, there are a few people I think about every time I want to cut myself again, every time I think about overdosing again.
My husband, my Senpai, my sister, and my kitty. The ones I love the most.
They keep me here. They are my rocks. Without them, I can’t even imagine where I would be.
But the world is a scary place…
What I’m trying to say here is no matter how fucked up things seem, just try to keep holding on, even if it’s not for yourself.
Things may take a very long time to get better, and it can take forever to heal… but hold on to what you love, and you’ll find life is just a little bit easier.