When i was about 6 or 7 i was in primary school and i remember i used to hang around with the same couple of friends,
on our breaks and stuff and we used to do all the normal stuff yanno little kids find fun to do…When i say that i mean our little friend group was pretty strange and we used to do alt
of weird shit ans when i say we were friends we were more like a little cult like imagine the film “The Craft” but they’re all midgets and between the ages of like i said 6 to 7.
So anyway we were hanging out by a tree probably trying to burn stuff with a magnifying glass or something (like i said weird cult) and i had come up with this amazing idea.
I Basically was sick of going to school as it was clearly killing my vibe so i decided to convince my friends to escape with me.
We could have simply done this by yanno just crawling under the gate or just going home at lunchtime and not coming back to school,
but no i had a very complex and complicated little brain that didn’t like doing anything the easy way so my cunning plan was to dig a big fucking tunnel through the mud so we could
all eventually crawl through this tunnel and reach our destination which was AUSTRALIAAA.
I mainly wanted to end up in Australia so i could meet Steven Irwin case i thought he was the coolest man alive,
also i always have lived by the phrase go big or go home and you cant get much bigger than emigrating from your primary school playground to Australia.
My friends thought it was also a grate idea so we started digging near this tree that we always used to hangout near so we didn’t look suspicious.
I had a very stable and structured plan to make sure it all went smoothly as i had been planning it for a week and watching a shit load of recess to get inspo from the diggers.
So i started by planning how big the hole needed to be for us all to fit in it,
i proceeded by drawing a circle in the mud with a stone and we got to work we started digging with our hands and stones that we could find around the playground.
The next day one of my posse had told 2 other kids who were also quite naughty about our emigration plan as they paid us a visit while we were digging,
my first idea was to threaten them both by telling on them for doing something they didn’t do if they were going to tell on us for digging.
Instead they wanted to join in and also run away to Australia,
they had also stolen some metal spoons from the canteen for everyone so we could dig quicker and we had gotten quite far to say we only had 30 minute breaks.
When we were lining up to go back in the classroom i immediately thought shit were not gonna look very inconspicuous if 6 of us have muddy metal spoons from the canteen but
we couldn’t simply throw them away as then we’d have getting new ones and wed already had letter home about missing cutlery,
as when we were little we just used to throw our dinner trays and everything on them including knives and forks in the bin, disposable or not.
So yet again i had another genius plan for us to hide the spoons up our sleeves…it worked we got to keep our muddy spoons.
The next day more people had found out about our plan and one kid in the class below he brought a plastic shovel from the sea side to help dig,
at this point each break time we had more and more people finding out about our plan and everyone thought it was such a great idea and joining in,
at this point the hole was pretty deep when i say pretty deep i mean about one and a half feet.
I thought a couple more digs and we’ll be all set for our travels so we went back into the last lesson of the day and i told everyone who was coming to bring 2 packups cause its gonna be
a long walk to Oz.The next day at school we were all excited to leave our old lives behind and start our new ones in Australia until we all got called into an assembly…with the head teacher.
She began by asking if anyone knew anything about the 2 ft deep hole near the tree opposite the playground,
we all sat there in silence as she proceeded to tell us that it had been filled in as it was a hazard and that no one was allowed to play near the trees anymore because we can not be trusted,
she also called us all vandals as we had “Ruined” school property (I mean it was literally just a small patch in the floor, it wasn’t like we had defaced a smart board or anything.
) Lastly she told us that all the cutlery was getting changed to plastics as all but 4 spoons had gone missing,
and we weren’t allowed to bring any toys to school anymore as we couldn’t be trusted.
When i thought things could t get any worse after my plan going to utter shit and now having to eat with plastic spoons and paper plates,
my mum had picked me up from school and was asking me if i knew any of the “idiotic” children who had dug a hole in the playground as she received a letter about it and so did all the
other parents, then my friends mum was discussing how stupid it was, and how one person always has to ruin things for everybody else.
My friend also hated me for like 2 days as she couldn’t bring her bouncy ball to school anymore because of our failed plan to emigrate.
So that was one of the many stories of my bizarre childhood, the moral of the story is don’t let a six year old me try and convince you to dig to Australia with metal spoons i guess.