The amount of cigarettes I consume on any given day is dependent on my self-loathing for the day, I think.
The strength of my desire to kill myself is based on my self loathing, I think.
The amount of alcohol I consume on a daily basis is dependent on my self-loathing, I think.
The power of overwhelming loneliness is dependent on my self-loathing, I think.
But I think maybe I might be contributing to the cause.
And I have to stop and ask myself: is it because I smoke and drink too much that I am lonely, depressed and hate myself or does my loneliness,
depression and self-hate contribute to my cigarette and alcohol consumption?
Either way it's self-destruction.