I met this girl when I was 17 through mutual friends, we hit it off, spent time together, got mixed signals that she eventually cleared up.
She was perfect (for me), I couldn't believe that I'd found someone so compatible, someone that found me as equally genuine, and physically attractive.
We'd been watching movies all night, and it was time for me ask her to officially be my girlfriend.
It was late and time for me to head home, she walked me to the door, I didn't want her parents to listen in on us, so I asked "can we talk outside for a sec"
She knew what was going on
"Um no, sorry"
"Come on I-"
The door slams shut, I went home, and cried in my bathroom, then sucked it up.
What did I do wrong?
Did I wait too long?
Did I read into it wrong?
A week passes and I try to clear things up with her, telling her how I feel, pouring myself out to her, hoping that this vulnerability I'm showing her will somehow let her know that I'm serious.
"I hope we can be friends" she says
No tears, no complaints, just questions.
Was it my anxiety, depression that let things get in the way?
Am I not confident enough?
Fast forward 4 years, she's back from college, I've spent that time on serious self improvement, and for the hell of it I texted her
"I'm still interested in you"
What the hell kind of text is that?!!
But I get an answer back almost immediately
"I am too"
I take action, no bullshit, this is my chance.
This is the girl I'm going to give a ring to, the girl I'll be proud to have
I take her to the most peaceful place I can think of.
I ask her, again.
I knew, this time that I was never going to have this girl.
A knife to the heart, I've been so stupid, so naive to think that I'd get a different answer
I didn't question this time, just a a few hours of sleep lost, from the realization of what was never going to happen
I took upon myself to never stop self improvement.
A year later I kicked my depression to the curb, threw my anxiety away, my confidence and optimism were at a healthy level, I felt in control
I met a very caring girl a year later, sweet, funny, a keeper.
One mistake is all it took for me to lose her, cause her to ignore me, reject me, even after all I've done for her through her tough times, lifted her, saw the positive that she never saw.
Today, today I cried for the first time in a long time, to top it off, I ran into the girl I'd been so confident I was going to marry.
I am confident, optimistic.
But I can't help it, today, today I am sad, crushed, humiliated.