It's summer. High school is finally over for good. All exams are in the past now. Finally I can relax and think about nothing for at least a week before I have to apply for colleges and universities. Im enjoying clear sky, hot sun and forests all around us.
I live with my mom and grandma in a little house at least six kilometers away from civilisation. We have two dogs and two cats. At this point life is amazing I am young and free and incedibly naive.
- When will you apply for college? Dont forget about that dear or else you might be late, - my mom kindly reminds me. She can't wait for the moment when she won't have to take care for me, or more so - pay for me. - I'll be able to send out all the applications next month, dont worry it's impossible to forget something like that.
There would be no problems if I knew what I want to study exactly... I love art, photography, journalism, psichology, languages all that and more. However, for the past two years at school I chose to study things I loved most. And all the "boring" classes, or classes where teachers just were not able to hook us up on a subject with their methods were pushed back.
Also I just didn't care anymore about what others think of my decisions so I took classes where there were only boys and I was the only girl, or a class which only three students chose as a bonus class. Popular girls considered me weird for these decisions, but I finally felt happy.
And now I need to chose what happens with my life next. Few weeks of calm pass as if it was only one day and applying for colleges season is here. looking at my grades Im being realistic and I apply only for one university.
There are twelve slots to fill with schools. I did some research and exams I passed are enough to get into good college. So I send out twelve applications to study filology, interior design, engineering, web design. And now we wait.
Few weeks passed. Some of the colleges I applied to asked me to attend their exams. It was for interior design, so the exam would be drawing or painting. So far I'm not nervous at all. With the help of google I find the place, so I wouldnt feel lost on the Big Day (aka. exam).
Time flies and the Big Day came. I enter the building, the door was huge I struggled to open it. Looks like that college doesn't want to let me in. Inside I feel extremely inspired, not sure why? The walls were pastel pink, nothing fancy like what I saw in movies, but people there look like they came from another world.
Each person looks like a work of art either its their style of clothing, haircut, crazy hair color ar the way they carry themselves keeps me entertained for a while. I realise how I look compared to them. I can't afford to look like a walking masterpiece...
Time of exam, first task is to show on a paper what comes to your mind when you think of a "dragonfly" is it shapes colors anyhting. Finally I panic, I can't think of anyhting to paint, so I look around hoping I'm not the only one.
For my disadvantage every single person in this room is glued to their table skribbling something on paper, armed with whole expensive kits of paint, watercolor, pencils. I feel even more down when I look with what I came to this exam one cheap grey pencil, few rulers, eraser and watercolors for kids.
After that exam I feel depressed. Even though I passed. At this point I fell like I'll never will be good enough for anything. Money seem to be ruling everything, even an artistic soul.
At the end of June I get an e-mail. I get excidted to finally find out where I got in. My heart beat is wild I feel hot, then cold, then hot again. Im hesitating for good 15 minutes with all those "I should have...I could have..." they wont change anything now.
Finally I take a deep breath and open it, slowly I read: "Hello, unfortunatelly you did not get into your desirable spot, but there will be more in a month. Do not forget to apply for the second selection in June..."
I could feel the ground slipping under my feet... or more accurately my future.
I did not tell my mom. She found out on third day. I applied second time... Did not got it. For the third time... same. Worst thing is that every classmate that had worse results than I did got into college on the first go, but they did not apply for free education. And I could not afford to pay.