i hate coming here to rant and cry but just.its hard to talk to people especially friends about venting and i do it ALOT.
and idk i guess randos reading who have no prejudices against me feels safer idk.i just, i hate having to live with the piece of shit that is my father.
i cant drive cause he refuses to get my fucking permit, its like fucking hell on wheels trying to reason with him or get my opinion across,
and god forbid i wanna do my fucking schoolwork and do chores later, LIKE IM FAILING BUT YOU DONT WANT ME DOING SCHOOL WORK???? it gets worst when he starts bringing up threats.
that he’ll shoot the dog, dump my fish out on the lawn, destroy my computer, so on and so forth.and ive had to deal with this for so fucking long.
sometimes i wonder what it wouldve been like if i accepted the offer to live with my mom, whos not only helped me with my anxiety but offered to get me help.
was more concerned on helping me with school than belittling me, cared about my interests instead of calling them stupid or fucking ignoring me, and way more.
but because she made some bad decisions, shes dead to the family, and nobody gave a flying fuck about her until she was found dead.
honestly i still think about ending it, i wont, but i just want out, i want out, I WANT OUT NOW!! BUT I CANT.its hard to draw, its hard to stay positive and its hard to sleep at night.
your peers laughing at you, while you dont wanna burden your friends about it. being anxious about every fucking thing, whether it be getting up for school or going to the store.
every place i look for help wont acknowledge me and just say im being negitive and a cunt. i dont feel welcome anywhere without judging eyes watching my every move.
i feel stupid in school because asking questions makes you look dumb and the teachers dont help, they just belittle.its constant, its infinitive, its fucking INSANITY.and i cant take it.
everyday when i wake up i just wanna give up. i wanna sleep for a whole week and not have to face repercussions. i want to just relax one day without the constant nagging voice.
during nights of stress or sadness i hear this voice that mocks me and it freaks me out and i dont know what it is and im scared.
i hate the nagging feeling that since im not smart, or my ACT is low, or if its hard to remember stuff, that i wont be able to be what i want in life.
im told to give up while i can and i want too. but i dont, either to prove them wrong, or i still want to believe i can still accomplish SOMETHING.
i regret my past, ive lied to people, ive been hateful, racist, and negitive. ive bettered myself but i always feel karmas coming to get me for my past.
im sorry, im sorry if ive ever been disrespectful towards to, that ive hurt you or if ive made you uncomfortable.
all i know to say is “im sorry” but all i get is anger as people yell at me to shut up, that what i am doesn’t matter, and that how i feel doesn’t matter.
all i want is to feel welcome but all i feel is alone.im sorry for this vent im just, i dont know the same.