I'd brought the isolation to myself. I didn't expect others to bridge the gap I had created but I wanted people's company to pass time. This time with people I won't have a silly connection with; so I downloaded multiple apps, and that's where it all started...
I met a man, 21 years, miles and miles away from me and in a world of his own. He was in law school, aiming for a successful life and that's what attracted me to him. He persuaded me to download Snapchat which I had deleted while I was escaping, so we could send pictures. Even if he was my type his personality bore me, I could tell he liked how I looked but that's all that we had going. Through him, I grew the confidence to share how I looked.
I met a girl, she splurged money on her account and she loved the cute persona that I had going. We clicked because I grew to be her Cupid, her wingman. In exchange She introduced me to so many people; she gave me the confidence to talk to strangers, to realize there are people who can benefit me on this app to help pass the time.
I joined a room with five others and immediately I was being made fun of. Three boys picking on me and they flirted like lovers. One stood out more than the other two and I could feel this weird connection. Wanting to see a reaction from the other as we flirted through all the sexual innuendos which everyone had picked up on. It didn't help that I knew his type, the type to flirt freely but not once did I try to hide my obvious interest in him. I thought that if this were the first and last time we met, I may as well make it obvious. I sort of like this guy.
He had to leave and I remember feeling this immense disappointment, especially because I had stayed up just to speak to him. I tried not to make it obvious how much it had dampened my mood to the others, so I waited. As I was logging off I received a message from someone. "I said I was leaving, not going to sleep." We didn't flirt as we messaged directly if anything we talked as if we wanted to know each other more.
We didn't talk much after that night but I started to hang out with the group he was in. His best friend welcomed me and through him, a Kik group was made to share how we all looked. From there we started talking more and through Snapchat we started to call. I had never spoken to someone overseas which I had never met before but I knew we were both bad at expressing ourselves through messaging this is the only thing that could keep us interested. We talked every night, he would stay up till 5-6am so we could call. I started to fall a little more.
One night he got drunk on call. Completely trashed because he was hurting and I had warned him he wouldn't be able to take it and would start saying things he'd regret. He promised me everything he would say he meant. He touched base on his feelings for me but I rejected them because I wouldn't listen to drunk words. He expressed so much of his pain and how he was scared to fall for me, he didn't want to get hurt again. He didn't think he could feel like this for someone online.
The next morning I didn't bring up what was said the night before. I thought maybe he regretted it and that's why we never touched the subject. "I meant everything I said last night, and I want to thank you for stopping me from saying those three words. I want to be completely sure before I say them to you." That was the first time he made me cry. I didn't realize how much I wanted him to feel for me like I was starting to for him.
I told him a lie, it ate away at me every time he said how comfortable he felt while talking to me. I lied about my age. I was not yet of age, nearly 18 but not. This was an issue to me because of our age difference. I was not of age where he is from. Not only would there be a literal distance between us, but how others would view us. I told him the truth. He said he'd wait.
I knew to others we were moving incredibly fast, but we said the three words. I wasn't nervous because I felt ready. Maybe I'm too young to know what love is, but if this isn't loving, I will one day fall completely and utterly for him If I haven't already.
We're both depressed. I know his reasons, he knows mine. We're both just messed up and we're alike in so many ways but different. I love that I'm understood, I love that I understand. Thank you the worst thing in my life for being the thing that's made me feel less alone. I don't have to show him only my good side, he gets to see all of me and I can see all of his.
"You don't even realize the impact you've had on my life. It was at a standstill until I met you, I did nothing every day and now I want to go out and improve myself in all ways." Even if we were to end, I'm happy I was able to make him want to succeed in life. The one to press play while he was on pause for so long.
I told him
"If you never told me I would never have known." "It scares me how good you are at hiding things, that's what scares me."
We want to meet, I'm going over to see him. I want to see if this attraction, this bond we have is there when we meet. We need to plan but I'm scared that I won't be what he expects. I'm scared I'll expect a spark that won't exist. I've never liked or loved anyone before so I don't know what it should feel like.