•*•*•7th April 2017 •*•*•
((12:57am - 2:17am))
I’m desperate to express my feelings and write as much as I can about everything but, when I want to, it doesn’t flow out like it feels like it will :/
At night, I always feel determined to move on, be slim and able to exercise more, get a job, etc., but the motivation just isn’t there or reality just isn’t helping.
I don’t expect it to be overnight, but I keep getting knocked back when I try to improve things.
I apply for for 5 jobs and hear from 4 agencies, but it goes nowhere - partly due to not having a reference from a company, as all of the people I’ve worked/volunteered for are private clients.
Apparently, that’s an issue - one that I can’t fix until someone from a company hires me.
I do a fair bit of exercise each week, trying to keep eating mostly healthily, but I’m still in pain and with no weight loss or slimming.
It’s horrible. I want to live my life and everything goes so slowly. I know you have to work for everything, but I have been for several months and I am continuing to, but nothing is changing.
I want to be more independent, so I have a life and can move on from various different things, if necessary.
I really just want to be happy. I want him to be happy. I want to be okay if he decides there needs to be more space between us.
I’m watching shows about people finding love and restarting after the rug is pulled out from under them.
For example, I’m rewatching the first season of Grace & Frankie, where they are 70 and their husbands have just told them they both want a divorce to marry each other.
They have to navigate this and various other challenges, starting over.
I know it’s just a show, but I need hope that people can start over - or in my case, start - regardless of age and past experiences.
I want him to see that my life doesn’t revolve around him (I want it not to, especially if this really does go downhill), so that’ll be less pressure.
I also want to have a life and be slim, healthy, happy.
Looks like I did need to vent, it just took 2 hours to write it.
I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE HAPPY AND LOOK SOMEWHAT LIKE I’VE BEEN WORKING TOWARDS!
Then, as a side note, I also want him to be safe, happy and healthy - even if it doesn’t include me.