Because we had sex and I wanted. Even though I said you started (because you normally start it), this time I started.
Because you were laying beside me with no pants and you look so fucking beautiful when you are laying next to me that I just wanted to melt and die.I couldn’t really sleep tonight.
I felt your body clutching mine,
how small and how infinite you felt at the same time and I had nightmares and woke up a thousand times and each time I woke I wanted to be dead because I couldn’t take how it feels to be
in love and I don’t fucking deserve it. I told you a couple of weeks ago that I couldn’t have sex anymore and at that time it was utterly and completely true.
I don’t feel like my body is my home and I feel weird and wrong when I am naked, even when I’m alone in my room and specially when I am with other person. But you made me want it.
With your could feet and small breast and fucking beautiful mouth and your delicious smile and that smell that I’ll never know anything similar.
But today I made you come all over me, all over your bed.
And I normally don’t know when you come because I’m stupid and you are insatiable, but this time I knew,
because it was so beautiful and how come I never noticed what your body does when you come? And after your knees were wobbly and you had a hard time standing and you smiled and panted.
I wanted to tell you I fucking love you.
I wanted to tell you I want to live in that moment in a weekend afternoon when your room is too hot and your house is empty and you make all these amazing noises and you respect the fact
that I have sex with my clothes on without asking and you look gorgeous in the weird light that comes through your drapes.
I also wanted to tell you that I wanna die and that I want it everyday.But all I said was “you’re gonna be late, lets go take a shower?”.
And then I laugh when you almost fell when your tried to stand up.Now I am home and my brother asked me what my scars are for and I can’t tell him how much I hate myself, I can’t tell anyone.
My life makes me wish I was dead.But in that moment, that single moment when you came and your body felt infinite, I felt like I can still do something.
I can still live and achieve some beautiful things.And it’s just sex.And we aren’t “a thing”.But I fucking love you.And i wanna be dead.