I've never been able to eat in the morning.
I know breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and don't get me wrong, I love me some bacon and eggs and hash browns, but I just can't eat right after I wake up.
Takes a few hours for me to work up an appetite.
And of all of my problems, it was this one, the most simple of them, that would end up ruining everything.
Every morning at 9am I am to report to a clinic, on a combination of state sentencing and doctor's orders. I'm possibly the worst kind of mentally ill. I know I am not well.
I know acutely exactly how unwell I am, what I am capable of, and what will happen to me if I don't take my medicine. It doesn't make me any more in control, however. I just feel...
strapped in for the ride as my impulses take over.
9am is too early for me. I hardly like waking up that early at all, and I certainly haven't been up for long enough to have worked up anything remotely resembling an appetite.
But my medicine is only about 20% as effective on an empty stomach, and I'm not trusted to dose myself, hence the clinic. So I've worked out a routine.
In the mornings, I tuck the nearly identical pills back in my cheek, fake like I swallowed them, and then pocket them as soon as I make it back outside.
I'm not skipping doses. After the clinic, I go home, go about my business for a couple of hours until I've worked up an appetite, then I eat, and take my medicine immediately afterward.
I don't want to miss any doses. The medicine helps me stay, well, me.
I think it's important to mention what my medicine does, now, however. One pill stops me from killing myself. The other stops me from killing other people.
This afternoon, after I got back from the clinic and finished eating a meal, I went to the sink to pour myself a glass of water.
Partially eroded, there were two now entirely identical pills in my hand.
As I went to take a sip of water, I fumbled with my other hand, and one of the pills fell down the drain.
I don't know which it was.
And they won't give me more at the clinic because they 'confirmed' I took my medicine this morning when I tucked the pills in my cheek.
I stared at the remaining pill for a while, trying to see if I could tell which of the two it was.
After a few minutes, I decided it didn't matter either way, and I dropped the second pill in the sink as well.