I saw the black cat walking, but I never crossed its path. I was born into fortune and gifted with a knack for creating problems for myself.
Maybe it’s because I knew there’s nothing worse than living a life without struggle. If you have nothing to work toward, nothing to fix, then you have nothing to live for.
Twenty-five years of my life had gone by before I met her. Twenty-five years of searching for a purpose, a reason to live, a reason to die. She was the provisional answer.
“My name is _____ ,” were the first, unprompted, words she said to me.
Why would she think that I care? Sure she was pretty, but did she know what I was going through? Her confidence radiated throughout the room, “do you want to split a drink?
” This request would define our relationship forever.
Her beauty was indefinable. Her soft pale skin complimented her gaunt physique. If it weren’t for her alluring eyes and invigorating glare, it’d be hard to tell she had a pulse.
She had me in her grips from the start, and her claws would only sink deeper.
I was no stranger to substance abuse. I drank nearly everyday, but smoked like a recovering addict. That was enough for me, enough to get me through the day without questioning the mundane.
It wasn’t until I met her that I would graduate to a different vice. The first time I used, we split the hit. The needle was still warm when it entered my body. Serenity.
Only two months had passed and I struggled with defining my addiction. The idea of destroying myself with her by my side gave me purpose. The sedating warmth that filled my core gave me peace.
Her attitude toward life was pure hypocrisy. Race to the end, and enjoy every second of it. Our use wasn’t categorized into self-loathing or hatred for existence. It was the opposite.
We lived everyday like it was our last, and as far as we knew, it was.
The silver serpent would slip in and out injecting its innocuous venom into our arms. All the while we embraced its effect.
Incorporating intoxication into our work and family lives was a struggle at first. Once we quit our jobs and severed most ties, pure bliss.
Everyday was a new experience. We satisfied our spiritual appetite to the fullest extent, only to balance our physical pleasure with various drugs.
Every moment with her was pure ecstasy, even when we weren’t on it.
We weren’t naïve enough to think this could last forever, but it did, forever is a relative term. It never mattered to us if we were alive or dead, as long as we had each other.
Her head on my chest, my breathing gets softer. Serenity. Purpose.