Everyone in life will lose someone. A friend, a relative, someone. It’s inevitable, we have no choice in who, when or how.
The only choice we have is how we react to it, how we use it to grow, and how we deal with it.
I’ve lost so many people in my life, relatives and friends, too many to count on two hands.
Little did I know that that would shape and determine the actions and events of my life forever, through bereavement triggered depression, and anxiety.
I cried, I screamed, I self harmed, I isolated myself, I stopped caring and lost all my motivation. For almost 10 years this has been my struggle, my illness, my obstacle.
Now, I’ve got most of that under control.
Of course, theres days that my depression gets so bad that I question my existence, there’s days my anxiety is so bad I shut myself in my room and don’t leave for days.
But there’s also days I am extremely grateful, appreciative, content and I can even smile, even if sometimes its fake.
Would I change it? Would I change or alter a single part of the last 10 years of my life?
Sure I’d like to bring back my loved ones who I’ve learned to live without, and of course I’d love to take away some of the pain and heartache I felt.
But truthfully, other than that, I wouldn’t change a thing. No matter how dark, how hard and how sad.
My darkest moments have allowed me to develop into a strong young woman. One who can say no to harming herself. One who can calm herself after a breakdown.
One who can force herself to leave the house even when she can’t bear to see a single person. One who my loved ones would be proud of.
It’s allowed me to become a kind person, to always have time for others. To be generous and to be forgiving. To always try my best, to persue my dreams and to try and be positive.
To always give myself a chance, take any opportunity given and to never take my life for granted. It also taught me to love and love hard, unconditionally and without question.
I am not my mental illness, and I am not my condition. But because of it, I am who I am, and I’m proud of who I’ve become.
Flawed, depressed but someone who has learned many things on their journey. So here’s to another 10 years of growing❤️