Got a question about bugs? Need help identifying an unknown creepy-crawly? Ask our local bug expert, Spider Woman!
Got a question about bugs? Need help identifying an unknown creepy-crawly? Ask our local bug expert, Spider Woman! stories
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**DEAR SPIDER WOMAN**, While I was praying in the Bone Shrine, a bug with hundreds of tiny, sticky legs crawled up my spine and latched onto my neck.
By cold__cocoon https://www.reddit.com/r/...

Got a question about bugs? Need help identifying an unknown creepy-crawly? Ask our local bug expert, Spider Woman!

by cold__cocoon

**DEAR SPIDER WOMAN**,

While I was praying in the Bone Shrine, a bug with hundreds of tiny, sticky legs crawled up my spine and latched onto my neck.

I think it stung me! I didn't get a good look before it scurried away, but it seemed a grotesque cross between a scorpion and a hornet, except mechanical, and had cameras for eyes.

Do you know what that thing was?

**DEAR READER**,

Sounds like you've spotted a Chihuahuan scorpion wasp! There are only 666 of these in the world, but exactly six have the venom to inflict eternal life and unceasing pain with one sting!

Hope you were lucky number six, reader. Truly, I do. For anyone else who might encounter this unique creature, please allow it to go about its important insectoid duties *in peace*.

**DEAR SPIDER WOMAN**,

Last night I heard a human baby crying from underneath an anthill. I dug and dug and pulled out a buzzing wasp's nest. Inside that was a mantis egg sac; inside *that* was an ornate ivory key.

What sort of ants would make this? What should I do with the key?

**DEAR READER**,

How exciting! Those are Soviet nuclear holocaust ants.

They're obsessive about digging secret underground bunkers and filling them with the cast-off trinkets and jewels of annihilated generations.

I suppose it's a little late nowadays, but if you see *another* mushroom cloud, **follow those ants**! In the meantime, other local bugs might find that key... *very useful*.

Leave it on the God's Flesh Altar inside a ram's horn filled with sweet vinegar and honey.

**DEAR SPIDER WOMAN**,

My wife just gave birth to an enormous tarantula! At least as big as a coyote!

It gnawed and clawed its way out from inside her womb, then skittered away into the sand dunes, trailing my beloved's entrails behind it.

She's afraid of spiders, so I followed its bloody footprints and managed to lock it inside the Quartz Pyramid. What should I do now?!

**DEAR READER**,

What should you do? Care for your child, of course! Love me, glorify me, venerate and praise me, as all parents must.

Here's a fascinating bug fact: in tarantula culture, it's traditional for newborns to devour their mother's corpse for vital nutrients and rare earth minerals.

Fortunately for us all, that Chihuahuan scorpion wasp gave your wife a sting that will keep her alive for as long as I need her.

Once I escape from this unexpected confinement, my continuing transformation will require me to feed on Mama's flesh for the next century; and, quite honestly,

the dried snakeskins I've been snacking on here in the Quartz Pyramid are unsatisfying.

I feel like a ghost trying to eat sand and sunshine, with a mouth that can only swallow the darkness between the stars.

Thanks for your letters, readers! I--wait!...is that the scorpion wasp flying overhead at this very moment?...

What's that it's bringing me?...

Why--*it's the key to door of the Quartz Pyramid!*

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