This isn't a story. I'm not a writer. This is me.
Am I alive or just pretending? Am I dead or am I breathing? I know I'm alive, but I don't wanna be...
or maybe I'm already dead and just striving for life, for something real, for something, for anything.
Maybe I'm just over exaggerating, maybe just imagining my pain, throwing myself a big pity party, maybe. But goodness, it feels so real. It feels like that's all there is sometimes, just pain.
I should tell someone, get this dark and numbing weight off me, get some help...but that would be humiliating. I don't want to tell anyone how completely DEAD I feel on the inside.
I don't want them to know I'm a fake. I don't want them to know how sad I am. I don't want them to know how unsure of everything I am.
I don't want them to know I lie everytime I say everything is okay. I don't want them to know the real me. I don't want to know the real me.
Why can't I just fast forward to the time when I have all my crap together, when I have a wife and a family and a job and a house, when I don't feel so uncertain.
You know what one of the scariest things for me is, though? The fact that all that is nothing but a dream, it's simply what I want, no guarentee. All I have right now is this moment.
This moment of complete and total worry and unknowing, this moment of no future, this moment of darkness. Maybe I should stop worrying about that perfect future and just not have a future at all...maybe.
But no, that's not an option, not for me. Not because I don't want to. No, God knows I have and still sometimes do. But because I can't ever bring myself to actually pull the trigger.
I fear I may bring myself to do it though, one day. I fear I may ruin my parents lives, I fear what people will think about me when I'm gone.
Will it be confusion and a lot of questions? Will it be something expected? Or will there just be a sigh of relief? Who knows? For now I'll just keep going, pretending, and hiding.
I've gotten pretty good at it after doing it for 6 years. You probably ask why I don't just suck it up and move on if I've been dealing with it for that long.
I've asked that before too, but then I looked and saw what a toll this fakeness has took on me. I'm weak, and I'm tired. I want to keep going and be real, and be strong, and be rested.
And I'll try, but I can't make it a promise. So for now I guess I'll keep struggling to myself, I'll stay hidden behind an image.