***Long rant warning about a life lesson I learned today***
I was fucked up today because I was in my feelings and I need to snap the fuck out of it.
My feelings got fucked up. So I got really out of hand, and I’m never doing that again. I did about 2x the amount of drugs I usually would ever think of doing.
I really realized……Drugs are NOT solutions to problems. It didn’t make me feel any better, it just made me frustrated. I literally only get high when I’m working, when I need to stay awake.
And I don’t ever do a lot at once.
But ALSO very important…. I need to get out of my feelings so much. But it’s hard when you really care about someone, and they accept that you’re a sex worker.
Especially when he doesn’t try to eat off me, he does his own thing & has his own money.
I think it hurt me so much because of the love I have for him, it hurt me when I found out he was talking to another girl he had been with like a couple years ago.
He tried to hide it from me which I think hurt the most, but I felt something. My sixth sense is a bad bitch.
So I reached out to her… and low and behold she sent me screenshots of him trying to contact her. For like the past month. And I started shaking.
I didn’t really know what to turn to, I never really have cared about someone this much. But I know getting high is NOT the solution.
I just hate being hurt by people I truly care about, because if I care about you, it’s so unconditional. That’s just the type of person I am.
No I am not a fool, don’t mistake my kindness for weakness,
but realize you have something good (even though I am a little fucked up in the head and have some work to do on myself) in front of you.
So, I’m gonna boss the fuck up and get my ass back at work. I’m not gonna be as clingy on him. I’m not gonna text him back fast.
It will piss him off but it will make him realize, I don’t need him, I want him. And he’s gonna have to show me he wants me too.
Because after that shit with that female… ESPECIALLY when I really have done nothing but cared for him, looked out for him,
I literally just wanna see him do good and he knows that… it’s like we’re gonna start all over again. But I’m gonna be a little different, and not so vulnerable.
Yes I’m a bitch MOST of the time, yes there are two sides to every story.
But damn man, you gonna hurt me like that? Especially when you know my true intentions are nothing but genuine? Man feelings will get you somewhere you don’t wanna be… be careful.
I need to take my own advice more often. This doesn’t mean I love him any less, it’s just that I wanna be able to trust the person I love.
Loyalty loyalty loyalty….
I’m kinda fucking spun, but I just smoked a little weed and I’m gonna try watching a movie. Also taking my medication helps calm my nerves and get me to go to sleep.
If anybody has some tips on getting some sleep LMK even tho I know it probably won’t happen lol
I was really stupid today, but LESSON LEARNED.
My bounce back game is strong as hell. I think feelings make me forget who I am sometimes.
Now, let me think about getting back to this money bag I’m supposed to be chasing 💰💰💰💰💰💰