You wonder why I am so far away from you. You wonder why I act this way, why I shut myself from the world. You still wonder why you can’t read me, why you can’t predict my every move.
Maybe, if you ask if i’m doing okay. I’ll cry in your shoulders and tell you the truth.
Maybe, if you look deeply into my eyes. You’ll see what i’m really feeling especially behind my fake smiles.
Maybe, if you held my hand. You could guide me in the right path.
Maybe, if you stay by my side. You can still save me.
But, mom. My anxiety is eating me alive. I think there’s no way that I can be saved. I am drowning in my own failures and mistakes.
No matter how hard I tried, negative thoughts keep coming back into my mind. No matter how hard I cry, The blame is still on me.
I want to permanently disappear so that you won’t have any disappointment in life. I am sorry but I have lost this battle. Between my mind and my heart, my mind always win.
Maybe that’s because my heart doesn’t feel anything. My heart feel nothing. It’s all empty now.
I was busy giving love to others and now, there’s no love left for me. Maybe that’s why I lost. I’m not strong enough to handle myself and my own failures.
But you see mom, I have a lot of scars that I always hide. A permanent one that can haunt me for life. I am more damage than you think, with my fake smiles and laughs.
All you can think is that I am okay.
But I don’t think I will ever be.