I have been feeling like this for years. I am not even sure anymore if there was ever a time when I didn't feel like this.
So often, I would have a sad look on my face, an emptiness in my heart, a heavy weight, the cause of which I did not know.
Sometimes people would see it, and they would tell me it is alright, they would tell me to go and make some friends.
I did what they told me, I laughed, I joked, I cried with them. But everyday, whenever I would be with the group of people who cared for me, every once in a while the illusion would break.
I would see their joys, their laughter, and I would be unable to understand why they were able to find it in the places they did, but I could not.
In those moments I hated them from the bottom of my heart, and in those moments the whole world could have been next to me and I would have been alone.
This too my friends and family saw, and there too they tried to support me, to care for me, and I nodded along, knowing how it ended.
They too got tired, for nothing changed in me, nothing could be changed in me, and soon even they gave up, they were gone. Now what I have always been on the inside is what I am on the outside.
I no longer know what to feel, to believe, to think